Are you bored in your marriage?

Boredom – – -one of the silent drains in marriage.

If you’ve been married any bit of time, you know that every marriage goes through seasons, but you may also know that seasons change! And the couples that learn the strategies to navigate the challenging seasons are the ones that come out stronger than ever!

And the truth is, boredom in marriage happens more often than we think, the issue is that most people won’t admit it! But no worries, you don’t have to admit it to your friends, but you do want to admit it to yourself! That is the first step to making the necessary changes!

Actually, the idea of boredom in marriage shouldn’t come as a surprise as quickly as we get bored in our lives overall! Most of us upgrade our phones every other week, switch our cars every other year and move more frequently than our parents ever did. No wonder we find ourselves restless in marriage.

One of the mistakes many couples make is saying “I do” on their wedding day but then they stop DOING what it takes to strengthen their romance. I found in my work with couples, that the realization that you must nurture your romance gets lost in the “day-to-day” life management.

Again, once we’ve been married awhile we understand that it’s easy to keep things exciting when you are filled with that “NEW LOVE” and you are on a romantic high – – – but the real work occurs when you face real life together over an extended period of time!

Boredom in marriage can also be described as martial apathy or even unintentional neglect! What does that mean? It’s simple; couples put their marriage on the back burner without even realizing it!

So how do you know if this is an issue for you and your spouse? There are certain things you should consider:

  • If you are honest, have you and your spouse stopped doing the fun things you did early on in your marriage?
  • Do you and your spouse rarely (if ever) break out of your day to day, year by year routine?
  • Do you and your spouse have a hobby, past time that is just for the two of you?

Based on how you answered those questions, you might be dealing this issue in your romance!

Okay, so what now? If this is an area of concern for you and your spouse, what can you do?

Check out a few suggestions to help you and your spouse put some pep in your marriage step!


While this isn’t a comfortable conversation, it doesn’t have to be overly challenging. You aren’t necessarily saying that your spouse is boring, but that you simply want to add some spark to your marriage. Take responsibility for your part and even make some suggestions of what the two of you can do differently.


While we are talking about boredom in marriage, we do need to be realistic! Adulthood comes with responsibility and that means we can’t expect every day to be filled with excitement. There needs to be a consistency to create safety, so be careful not to minimize the importance of security in your marriage.


Boredom in marriage is real, but it can also be confused with personal self-dissatisfaction. It is so easy to have personal frustrations and project those frustrations onto our spouse. Do the self-work to ensure that your concerns are really related to the dynamics of your marriage.


One person shouldn’t be solely responsible for maintaining the FUN in your romance. Spontaneity shouldn’t be one-sided, but it may need to be scheduled! Sounds like an oxymoron? Not really! If you and your spouse take turns in being the person responsible for creating fun, exciting and new opportunities then that means you take turns in being surprised at what’s to come!


Does your spouse have a hobby or a past time that they love but you haven’t really engaged in? Maybe you can join in and support them or even participate in the activity with them. It may be just the thing to set the two of you on the right track!


Isn’t that the moral of the story? Isn’t that the whole point? It’s time for you and your spouse to have some good ole’ fashion fun! But it’s one thing to talk about it; it’s another thing to DO something about it! If you follow the work I do, you will always hear a constant theme…INTENTIONAL! You and your spouse must be intentional about scheduling time together to do the things that you enjoy! It doesn’t have to be expensive or extensive…but it should be consistent! Go have some fun!


If you need a jump-start to getting rid of boredom in your marriage, why not join us for the Valentine’s Day “L.O.V.E.Y.O.U. Challenge” starting February 7th! Click HERE for details!

12 Things Happy Couples Know

By Robin May

12 Things Happy Couples Know!

“What can someone else tell me about my marriage?”

“I don’t believe in letting people in my business”

“Just because it works for them, doesn’t mean it will work for us”

These are just a few of the statements that I have heard over the years as to why people don’t seek support in their marriage.  While I have very solid responses to these types of reasons, the primary response I stick to is this: “You can keep doing what you’ve always done and you will keep getting what you got” (Bad grammar intended). But if you want to grow stronger in your marriage, staying in solitude and not seeking outside support is not the way to go.

I truly believe what the Bible says, “There is wisdom in a multitude of counsel” and one of the best places to seek counsel is from people who have found success in navigating the marriage terrain!

With that in mind, check out the list I have compiled on the topic of happy couples!

I would encourage you to take a moment and sit down with your spouse to go over these 12 principles that HAPPY couples know.  Remember, happiness does not mean there are no issues.  Happiness simply means you’ve learned how to navigate the tough spots and rebound effectively.

Before you dive into these 12 reasons, please note you will see the reference to “healthy relationships”. To ensure we are on accord as to what the definition of a healthy relationship is, click HERE.

Let’s dive in!

12 Things Happy Couples Know:

  1. Happy couples understand they need Jesus and not just on Sunday morning

If you go and stand in a garage that doesn’t turn you into a car.  In that same sense, going to church doesn’t make you a Christian.  Happy couples understand that if their relationship is going to grow they MUST keep Jesus in the center of their romance.  Both parties submitting to Jesus helps to bring you back on one accord when both of you can’t see eye to eye and when life’s challenges seem insurmountable.

  1. Happy couples realize each marriage has seasons so they don’t get scared during winter

Gary Chapman wrote a book called “Four Seasons of Marriage” where he helps couples understand the different stages of their relationship.  Let me normalize this for you! Every couple hits a tough spot.  But happy couples know that together they can get through it.  That means when they find themselves in a challenging season, while they begin to address the problem right away, at the same time they don’t allow the problem to challenge the overall strength of their union.

  1. Happy couples give one another the benefit of the doubt

You don’t have to fight every battle. Wise couples know that if they want their marriage to be healthy they can’t make every situation an issue.  They have learned the skill of choosing what matters most and so when they decide to speak up it actually matters.

  1. Happy couples understand that the relationship should be mutually beneficial

Marriage is not, or at least should not, be one sided.  Love, support, encouragement, commitment…should be given and received by each person.  Happy couples know that there must be give and take in order for the relationship to grow.  Each person should intentionally invest in fulfilling the other person’s emotional and relational needs.

  1. Happy couples are serious about their TEAM and don’t allow outside players to interfere

If you have a brother or sister, I am sure at some point you’ve said “I can mess with them, but you can’t!”  That is the mindset of happily married couple.  While they might have an issue with their spouse, they don’t take too kindly when someone else does.  They know that they are a team and that they are headed towards victory together! They are not open to those outside of the team interfering with their relationship! If there is a problem, they deal with it behind closed doors and then come out to face the issue together as a united front!

  1. Happy couples are not afraid to give each other space (physical, emotional and even spiritual space).

No one wants to be suffocated and happy couples understand that while they are “one”, they are at the same time two individuals. That’s the miracle of marriage! Happy couples understand that it is okay to take a break from being constantly in each other’s space.  They also know that sometimes they need a moment to sort through their emotions and seek God’s wisdom alone.  Because mutual respect and trust has been demonstrated, happy couples are not intimidated by a moment away from one another.

  1. Happy couples intentionally have fun and engage in one another’s interest

Marriage should be fun and happy couples intentionally seek out fun with one another! While they might not have all of the same interests, they look for ways to engage in what their spouse enjoys.  They are open to learning new skills, attending games or even doing something neither has ever tried.  They make it a point to laugh together because they know it helps to strengthen their bond!

  1. Happy couples pay attention to what is pleasing to their spouse

Does your spouse like it when you wear your hair curly? Does your spouse like when you wear nice suits? Happy couples pay attention to things that matter to their spouse.  Happy couples want to make sure their spouse finds them appealing and attractive so they make sure they are attentive to what matters to their significant other.

  1. Happy couples yield to one another’s strengths and they fill –in for one another’s weaknesses

While each person should come to marriage as a complete person, all of us have strengths and weaknesses.  Happy couples don’t hold their spouses weakness against them, but instead they help to fill in for them in the area where they need support. In the same spirit, happy couples also notice their spouse’s natural gifts and strengths and are willing to yield to their spouse in that area.

  1. Happy couples are honest with themselves which makes it easier to be honest with each other

Happy couples are not immune to the same challenges other couples face. The difference is that spouses in a relatively happy marriage understand the importance of self-awareness.  They are honest with themselves about their shortcomings and areas of growth and therefore when it’s time to deal with tough issues it is easier for them to be honest with their spouse. Happy couples know that honesty is one of the necessities for a successful marriage.

  1. Happy couples know the importance of picking your battles

There will always be something that you can disagree about. There will always be opportunities for conflict. But happy couples understand the importance of picking your battles. They have mastered letting the insignificant issues go so that when more serious challenges arise they can fully focus on a positive resolution.


  1. Happy couples are open to influence from one another

Happy couples understand that if their marriage is going to be successful they must consider their spouse as their most valued resource.  They understand that leaning on their spouse’s intuition, guidance and advice is wise.  The relationship is not one sided with either person attempting to control or dictate to the other.  Each person is open to receiving input from the other and they are even willing to make suggested improvements if necessary!




Married and Lonely?

By Robin May

Several years ago, “Psychology Today” reported that 62% of married people reported being lonely even though they lived with their spouse. I can imagine that percentage being a surprise to many but it actually does not come as a surprise to me. Like others who frequently work with couples, we know that marriage does not automatically equal companionship.

For those that can’t imagine the idea of loneliness in marriage, imagine that you are extremely thirsty and you know water is the only thing that will quench your thirst. Right in front of you is a water fountain but for some reason you cannot get to it in order to get a drink. You can see the water fountain…you know it has what you need, but you can’t get to it. Can you imagine how frustrating that would be? That’s how many feel right within their own marriage. Their spouse is right in front of them and they know their spouse can help quench their ‘thirst’, but for some reason the connection isn’t happening.  I love how the “Psychology Today” article described this issue. They said “…we lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid.”  Now , while I don’t believe the answer has to be leaving the marriage, I don’t believe in suffering in silence forever.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. When someone is lonely they often feel excluded from someone’s life and they feel someone isn’t connected to their life. Loneliness in marriage is often a silent killer. It happens gradually and often has deeply permeated the marriage before either party addresses the issue.

Now let me normalize this for some of you. A season of loneliness in your marriage should not come as a surprise. We all go through difficulty as we face day-to-day life circumstances. So if there is a short period where you feel disconnected in your marriage don’t be alarmed. Of course you should address the issue, but be careful not to assume your marriage is doomed for failure. The concern is when your marriage faces a perpetual season where you are isolated and disconnected from your spouse and neither of you are making an effort to reconnect.

Also, it is important to note that just because you are feeling lonely does not necessarily mean the issue is with your marriage. Remember self-awareness is a critical component to a healthy relationship. You need to know when the issue is something within you. Maybe you are suffering from depression, your own unrealistic expectations of marriage, grief or challenges with adjusting to a major change in your life. Yes, your spouse should support you, but if these are the things triggering your loneliness, be aware so that you don’t place unnecessary blame on your relationship.

Loneliness in marriage often begins with one or both spouses feeling isolated from the other. A few indicators that you are experiencing isolation in your marriage may include:

  • You have no problem connecting with others but can’t seem to connect with your spouse
  • You want to share how you feel with your spouse but you are hesitant too
  • You feel a sense of sadness within your marriage
  • You are clueless about the day to day of your spouse’s life
  • You’ve learned to “keep the peace” and not deal with the “tough stuff”

Loneliness in marriage can often be described as the perfect storm. A combination of many factors, over time, can lead to the disconnect. Maybe you are both consumed with your careers; Maybe one person is focused on the kids and the other on church responsibilities; Maybe you have stopped ‘majoring’ in one another (you don’t know what your spouse does or doesn’t like; what he or she is interested in or not); You or your spouse doesn’t feel valued or understood. Again, slowly these factors begin to lead to a disconnect from the person we’ve committed too for life.

If any of this sounds familiar, I am sure you are thinking “okay okay! I get it! This is us. Now what?”. If you have found that you and your spouse have disconnected or are headed on that path, follow this simple THREE STEP plan! As you read these suggestions, try not to minimize their significance. When you’ve been in a tough place for a while, you can often become cynical. Keep your heart open…if you’ve tried these steps before, try them again. If your first thought is “my spouse isn’t going to respond to any of this”, do them anyway! If you are a person of faith, give God something to work with!


Imagine that your tire has a slow leak. The longer you drive on that tire, the longer you put yourself (and all those riding with you) in danger! That is the same thing with isolation. Because it can happen gradually, it is a slow leak and can be ignored or every once in a while patched up. But eventually the “fix” won’t last and you are putting the marriage in danger. And with any change that we desire, it starts with admitting that there is a problem! First, you must admit to yourself that there is an issue. Don’t sugarcoat or down play it. Face the facts of what you are dealing with and take time to process what you believe is contributing to your feelings. It may help to get professional help to effectively sort through what you are feeling.


Now that you have admitted that there is an issue, it may be time to address it with your spouse. But, if you are the person feeling disconnected, remember how you address it is critical. Your primary goal in addressing the issue is to ensure that you do not accuse your spouse but to express that you simply want to deal with what you are feeling. Your tone will either create an environment conducive for change or cause a greater rift. Take responsibility for how you may have contributed to this season of your marriage (“I know that I have been consumed with my job, and I apologize for that. Our marriage is important to me and I want to be connected to you”.). This step isn’t easy but your marriage is worth it!

Step Three: ACT ON IT!

It’s now time for you to DO something! If you are feeling disconnected from your spouse, do something consistently that will allow you to engage in his/her life. For some couples, it can be as simple as going shopping with your wife or buying tickets to the game for you and your husband. Taking the initiative to even ask your spouse out on a date may be a powerful step towards reconnection. YES…initially it will feel awkward. But as you continue to intentionally engage with your partner the more comfortable it will feel.

For others, the issue may be more extensive and you may need professional support to help you reconnect. And yes, even if your spouse refuses to go to counseling, you still should make it a priority. Counsel is vital to a healthy marriage. Remember, “Pride causes arguments, but those who listen to others are wise.” (Proverbs 13:10).

Understand that your marriage will stay just as it is until you decide to do something different. Commit to making an effort today. ACKNOWLEDGE! ADDRESS! ACT!


Interested in assessing the strengths and areas of growth for your marriage? Consider investing in the “CRA”: A customized relationship assessment. Click HERE for more information!

Create Momentum in your Marriage for 2017! 3 Easy Tips!


By Robin May

As you are considering your plans for 2017, I want to remind you to add your marriage to your list of priorities. It is so easy for us leave our marriages on the back burner and assume (or maybe hope and pray) that things get better or at the very least, that things stay the same. But why leave your romance up to chance? You can create momentum for your marriage by doing THREE simple things NOW!

Let’s get right too it:


Of course it is important for you and your spouse to have more than 6 dates in 2017. But in order to make sure that you and your spouse have something specific to look forward too, I want you to pull out your calendars and PRE-DETERMINE at least 6 times on your calendar that is just for the two of you! This means, if necessary you can go ahead and schedule the time off from work, find a sitter to watch the kids or even book a flight if you want to get fancy!

Now here is a bit of extra-credit for any marriage nerds like me: You can make it even more fun if both of you choose 3 of the 6 days that you will be solely responsible for creating the experience. So in other words, you are responsible for what happens during your pre-determined dates 3 times out of six dates, and the other 3 dates your spouse is responsible for creating the experience. That allows your date night to still be a surprise even though it has been scheduled in advance.

Remember, you and your spouse should spend more time together than just 6 dates! This will just help jumpstart your year!


According to Proverbs, “Without a vision, the people perish”! In other words, without a vision, you and your spouse will find yourself going with the flow, instead of directing the flow. If we are not careful, our marriages can fall into a business-like connection where we partner in some things together, but we are really living separate lives.

In order to protect against this, I encourage couples to complete a FAMILY STRATEGIC PLAN. A strategic plan will help you and your spouse identify your mutual goals for the year, identify individual goals and determine if they fit within the overall family vision, it will create a synergy and connectedness between you and your spouse and it will help you know when you are off track.

I believe in this strategy so much, that I have created a template to help you! You can simply click HERE to gain access to it.


Remember when I said how easy it is for a couple to partner together in some things, but overall live separate lives? I actually have referred to this as the ROOMMATE ZONE. The roommate zone is when you and your spouse have started to operate more like two people cohabitating and not two people building a life together. You pay bills together, help one another out with the children, but the bond between the two of you is friendly at best.

But, there are some practical strategies that you can use to help with this challenge. One of the ways you and your spouse can stay connected is by finding something that the two of you can do together. Maybe it is volunteering for a non-profit or starting a new hobby together (like golfing, tennis, maybe even restaurant hopping).   You and your spouse can also learn something new together (maybe a new language or taking a class) or even something as simple as completing a project in your home (maybe paint some furniture).

The idea is that you are working together towards a common goal, which can help you stay connected and even grow together!


Remember, many marriages suffer from unintentional neglect. As you are being prayerful about 2017, make sure you incorporate your marriage in your plans!

Stay connected to us by following us on our BRAND NEW Instagram Page!


How intimate are you and your spouse? (Outside the bedroom)

I don’t know about you, but it was never my intention to be married, but to live as roommates with my spouse. I actually wrote a blog a while ago focused on helping couples stay OUT of the Roommate Zone.

The roommate zone is when you and your spouse have started to operate more like two people cohabitating and not two people building a life together.  You know what I mean? You pay bills, “help one another out” with the children, and take care of the business of marriage, but the bond between the two of you is friendly at best.

So again, my dreams, my intentions, my expectations of marriage were never to simply be roommates with my spouse.

I am sure that was never your intention either.

I am also sure it is not far-fetched to state that most of us desire to be intimately connected to our spouse.

Okay, let me be clear. While you may not wake up in the morning saying “wow, I want to be intimately connected to you…” what you may be saying is:

I want our sex life to be on point.

I want to be able to talk to my spouse about anything.

I want to know my spouse has my back.

I want to know we are on the same page and working towards the same goals.

I want us to pray together.

But guess what.  All of those things equal up to a desire to be intimately connected to your spouse.

[Click HERE to take the “So You Think You Know Your Spouse” Quiz]

Intimacy is so much more than what happens in the bedroom (or wherever you and your spouse choose to “participate”).  Trust me when I say, sex is only one type of intimacy.

The desires listed above encompass not only Physical intimacy, but Spiritual, Intellectual and Emotional Intimacy as well.

Physical intimacy deals primarily with our sexual connection, but also includes non-sexual touch such as holding hands, kissing and just cuddling.

Spiritual intimacy deals with how we engage in godly enrichment and growth as a couple. This can be expressed through Bible study, prayer, attending worship service together regularly and building your everyday life around shared values.

Intellectual intimacy involves being on one accord with life goals, your basic view of humanity and what truly matters most in your worlds. This can also include, as with spiritual intimacy, how you make decisions about everyday life issues such as parenting and finances.

Emotional intimacy is centered around the ability to share with one another openly, without fear of retribution about the issues/areas of life.  It is a willingness to be vulnerable and available beyond the surface with your spouse.

And let me help you with this nugget — when any of the other areas of intimacy are greatly hindered, trust me…your physical intimacy (SEX!) will eventually be impacted as well.

I realize this is starting to be my swan song, but I have to say this until every married couple gets it:

When you are not intentional about nurturing your relationship, it will begin to suffer from unintentional neglect.  And anything that is neglected will begin to falter. Only what is nurtured will have a chance of survival.

So can I ask you a question? How are you and your spouse nurturing all areas of intimacy in your marriage?

Okay, so maybe at this point you are with me.  You realize that if you truly want great sex, open and productive communication or an improved spiritual connection with your spouse, you must be intentional about intimacy in every area of your life.  But the question you now have is how? What do you need to do, now that you know what’s at stake?

First, I believe you need to consider what has hindered your intimacy.  In order to fix a problem once and for all, you need to know what is causing the problem.  Over my years of working with couples, I have found 4 primary reasons that intimacy has been hindered.  Click HERE if you want to read up on the 4 areas I have discovered.

Next, I believe you need to follow these suggestions to build the intimacy in your marriage:

  1. As a couple, identify the area in your marriage that lacks intimacy 

Let me take some of the pressure off of you.  Every  married couple has some area in their marriage that needs to be improved.  I want you to think about the couple that you respect the most.  Do you have that couple in mind?  Okay, now…Trust me; even THEY have areas ripe for improvement in their relationship.  So its okay for you and your spouse to identify which area in your own marriage needs the most improvement.

You can start by identifying the area that you have the most conflict and then identify what is the real issue.  So for example, if your greatest area of frustration is finances, maybe the issue is a lack of trust (Emotional intimacy) or the issue may be that you are not on one accord when it comes to your life goals (intellectual intimacy).

Once you identify the area that is lacking, seek resources (or even professional support) to begin to nurture that area.

  1. Make a decision to do YOUR part when it comes to improving intimacy.

It is so easy to place blame on your spouse, but what are YOU doing to improve the intimacy in your marriage?  Have you made it a point to major in your spouse? What is your partner’s love language?  What draws your spouse towards you?  What is your spouse’s most pressing prayer request?

Intimacy boils down to our willingness to dive deep into the life of our spouse, to stay connected beyond the surface and to learn and grow together.

(Keep reading.  I have something to help you with this).

  1. Make a commitment to stay consistent.

Building intimacy in marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a one-moment-in-time decision.  That it is why it is critical that you remember the principle I shared earlier.  Let me repeat it:

When you are not intentional about nurturing your relationship, it will begin to suffer from unintentional neglect.  And anything that is neglected will begin to falter. Only what is nurtured will have a chance of survival.

Your marriage deserves a lifetime commitment of building and maintaining your intimacy, in all areas with your spouse!


So, I want to help you!  Remember I said that intimacy boils down to our willingness to really know our spouse , to connect beyond the surface?  Here is a FUN, EASY to Do Quiz to help you see how well you really know your spouse! Click HERE to gain instant access to this QUIZ!

10 Questions to ask yourself before placing blame


By Robin May

It’s easy when you are frustrated with someone, especially your spouse,  to immediately blame them for your frustration. However one of the tenants of a healthy relationship is the ability to self reflect! Use these 10 questions to do a SELF-CHECK before casting blame on your partner!

1. Am I Self Aware? It is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who cannot see their own shortcomings.  Everyone contributes to the chaos in the relationship (even if the “contribution” is that of apathy or passiveness.).   Our natural tendency is to minimize our issue while magnifying our spouses.  Make it a point to take an honest assessment on your role in any issue you and your spouse may be facing.

2. Am I being Reasonable? Have you ever dealt with someone that did not fight fair? Or maybe you have dealt with someone who has expectations that just seem way too high?  Either of those characteristics can be described as being unreasonable and that can create challenges in your marriage.  Instead, do your part to think and operate fairly and check to make sure your expectations aren’t unattainable.

3. Am I Remorseful? Did you do something that you KNOW hurt your spouse, even if you don’t agree that they should actually be hurt? If your spouse expresses to you that they are hurt (or angry) at something you did, don’t dismiss it.  Being remorseful doesn’t mean that your intention was to hurt them, but simply that you love them and you don’t want them to feel bad because of you!

4. Am I being Intentional? This may seem like an odd fit, but many couples suffer from ‘unintentional neglect’. In other words, couples get so consumed with their day to day lives (work, the children, family obligations, etc) that their marriage ends up on the backburner.  Make sure you do your part to be intentional with your spouse by being available and engaged in their life!

5. Am I being flexible? A healthy marriage consists of two people willing to be flexible and not rigid. Things will not always go your way…situations won’t always work out picture perfect…sometimes (well, often) you will have to put someone else’s needs above your own.  If you and your spouse are facing a tough situation make sure you are willing to adjust your perspective and be willing to compromise.

6. Am I being vulnerable? Has your spouse ever said to you “I just don’t know what you are feeling?”  We all want to know that our spouse trusts us enough with the things that matter most to them, including feelings they would not ordinarily share.  If you are keeping a wall up, your spouse may be responding defensively towards you, simply because they can’t feel that you care! Being willing to be vulnerable with your spouse creates intimacy and it will help them understand why you respond the way you do! Let down your emotional wall and trust your spouse with your heart.

7. Am I Inquisitive? When was the last time you came home and asked your spouse what they need the most from you? Have you asked them what their prayer request is in this season? Do you know the pressures they are facing at work? What is keeping them up at night?  The two of you may be having conflict simply because you aren’t intimately engaged in one another’s lives! Start asking questions…not as an interrogation but simply because you care about what they care about!

8. Am I Committed? Listen, while fidelity is important, this goes beyond being faithful.  Every partner wants to know that when they need their spouse to be there, they will be there.  Every partner wants to know that tough times won’t send their spouse running! Every partner wants to know that when the rubber hits the road, they can still count on their spouse.  Every partner wants to know that they don’t have to carry the weight of the relationship alone!  Do you reiterate, often, that you are in it for the long-haul or do you leave room for doubt either by what you say or more importantly what you do?

9. Am I Forgiving? Anybody that has been married longer than a week (and that’s being generous) has made a mistake…and will continue to do so.  This is not a license for you (or your spouse) to be blatantly disrespectful and then demand forgiveness. However, over the course of your relationship, learning the art (and yes, it is a skill!) of forgiveness will help you build a loving union.  If you are holding on to an issue, it’s like holding on to a snake and wondering why you got bit!

10. Am I being Protective?  This is another one that may seem odd, but consider this…one of the highest areas of conflict for couples is the impact of outside influences.  Are you allowing someone or something to impact your relationship in a negative way? While we aren’t meant to live on isolation island, we also should not leave our marriages open to anyone and anything. Be careful about exposing your relationship to people and situations that can be a virus for your romance.


Did this help you?  Do you want to learn more? Consider joining Robin May for a POWERFUL 5-part Webinar (“The 5 Reasons You MAY be frustrated in your Marriage”!) It’s absolutely free but will help sure-up your relationship quickly! Click HERE to register!

4 Ways People Maintain their Cars More than Their Marriage

4 Ways People Maintain their Cars more than they maintain their Marriage!

The popular R&B singer, R Kelly sang the lyrics “…you remind me of my jeep…” back in the 90’s. And while the lyrics to the song are a bit risqué, Kelly may have been on to something.
After reading an article about a man’s unhealthy obsession with cars, I immediately wondered how many of us (male and female) spend more time on the maintenance of our cars than we do the maintenance of our marriage?

Flow with me on this one. Let’s consider the things we do consistently for our cars and compare it to our marriages and then we can decide for ourselves if our car gets more maintenance than our marriage.

Now let me warn you. I am no car expert and honestly I probably neglect my car more than the average person. But there are a few things that even I do (Okay, okay…things my husband does) consistently:

Consistent Oil Changes: Remember when I said I am not a car expert? Well, one thing I KNOW you must do is change the oil in your car at least every few months (or after a certain number of miles). When we get our oil changed, we remove the old oil and put in new oil. The oil in the car ensures that the parts stay lubricated, that the engine doesn’t overheat and all other parts keep running smoothly (did I get that right?). If you do not change the oil in your car, eventually the filter will stop getting rid of all the junk that has built up over time, the engine will no longer be lubricated and the car will be ruined. Of course this doesn’t happen immediately, but overtime, it is inevitable.

MARRIAGE MOMENT: How often do you “change the oil” in your relationship? Do you and your spouse sit down every few months to look over your marriage? Do you talk about the things that you need to get rid of, issues that you need to resolve, mistakes you need to forgive? Do you talk about the issues that are keeping your marriage from running smoothly? Do you talk about what you should start doing to improve the functioning of your marriage? Have you considered the fact that your marriage may have some build up (wear & tear) that is causing your marriage to have some trouble? Are you aware that if you do not do these things, your marriage may not fail immediately, but overtime it could cause irreparable damage?

• Tire Rotation: Most of the time when you take your car to get the oil changed, the mechanic will ask if you want your tires rotated as well. Tire rotation is important because over time, tires wear unevenly. The front may get too much pressure, the back may hit too many curbs and the wear & tear of the tires needs to be distributed evenly. I remember my father telling me all of that a long time ago! But I wanted to make sure I was on point so I looked up the importance of tire rotation and this line stood out to me: Rotating tires “ensures that your car handles in a steady and predictable manner when you need to make a sudden turn or stop…”. Hmmm…that’s interesting!

MARRIAGE MOMENT: One of the most common areas of conflict for couples is the issue of Roles & Responsibilities. One person often feels they are handling more of the responsibilities than their spouse. He or she then feels burdened by the pressure, they feel as if they take the most hits and they may become frustrated because the duties aren’t distributed evenly. How often do you and your spouse discuss the roles & responsibilities of your lives? Do you take time to evaluate what it takes to make your household run smoothly (chores, children, work, etc)? Do you check in to make sure that neither of you feels overworked or slighted? Do you talk about the current dynamics of your marriage (i.e. “Right now I am in school so you are handling a lot of the household duties, but when I graduate we can revisit household duties.”) and when the dynamics may change? This is critical because when you face the sudden, unexpected issues of life as a couple, both of you should be able to face the situation without feeling already weighed down with additional pressure!

• Car Washed & Cleaned (inside & out): Confession! I must do better. It drives my husband crazy, but I am convinced that the 3 children I chauffer around makes it impossible to keep the inside of my car clean. I am so busy trying to get to my destination, I have been guilty of overlooking the inside of my car. But, while I simply can not admit it to him, my husband is right. It’s important to stay on top of the mess.  Because if not, when someone gets in my car, I immediately start apologizing for all the mess, I start throwing stuff in the back seat, I stuff the banana peel in my makeshift trashcan, I try to hide the yogurt stain the kids left…whew (oops! Is that just me?)! In all seriousness, I know how my vehicle looks can be a reflection of me, so I try to do what I can to keep it on point! Whether you are washing your car by hand, having someone else do it, or running it through a car wash, most of us make sure the outside (and the inside) of our cars are taken care of — because after awhile too much dirt starts to impact how you and others look at your ride! We want to feel proud of our vehicle and it doesn’t hurt when someone else notices it too!

MARRIAGE MOMENT: Do you and your spouse make sure you are doing things simply to make the other person feel good AND look good? Are you so busy with “life” that you forget to flirt, kiss, and caress one another? What do you do to make sure your spouse laughs, smiles and enjoys being married to you? Does marriage look good on your spouse? Are you intentional about telling your spouse how you feel about them? Do you make sure others know how important and special your spouse is to you? Do the two of you take time away from the busyness of life, to simply take care of one another? Do you find yourself neglecting your spouse because you are so busy trying to get to your next destination in life? Are you aware that the health of your marriage is often a reflection of you?

• Gas: This is a simple one but probably the most important. There is no point in having a car if you don’t keep gas in the car! In order for your car to function it has to have gas (or electricity for the fancy hybrid folk!). Regardless of how excellent your mileage is, eventually you will need to pull into a gas station to put some fuel in your car if you want to keep it moving! And many of us have learned the hard way that the gas gauge isn’t always accurate. While it may show that we can go a bit longer without gas, we soon find out that we’ve gone as far as we can go! So what do we do? We make sure we make a pit stop at the gas station so that we can get to our destination!

MARRIAGE MOMENT: Do you know what it takes to really keep your marriage going? Have you and your spouse identified what BOTH of you need in order to keep moving? What do you and your spouse do to add “fuel” to your marriage? Are you trying to use your own feelings to gauge the status of your marriage, while not taking into consideration how your spouse is feeling? When was the last time you and your spouse allowed someone else to share strategies and tips to help you both on your journey? Where is your “pit stop” that you pull into when you need gas for where you and your spouse are headed to next?

As a recap, it is important for the maintenance of our marriages that we:

• Filter out the old “stuff” (issues, disappointments, etc) & pour in new experiences, ideas, and resources so that we can make sure our marriage continues to run smoothly!
• Ensure that we are each distributing the “weight” of the relationship so that one person doesn’t feel used or overworked.
• Keep our marriage fresh by doing and saying the things that makes our spouse feel good and connected!
• Take time to identify what we both need to keep our marriage moving forward. Participate in activities (classes, reading books, counseling, videos, etc) to give you fuel for your journey.

There you have it! As I said, I wonder how many of us (maybe unintentionally) give our vehicles more attention than we do our romance? Maybe you are doing pretty well at the maintenance of your marriage. If so, keep up the good work! If you noticed some areas you can improve, don’t beat yourself up – – – simply commit to doing better starting today!

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Should your spouse be your best friend?


By Robin May

“Should your spouse be your best friend”?

If this issue has never come up for you and your spouse, you may be thinking “Is this a real issue?”  And the answer is, for some, Absolutely!  But, I believe the question doesn’t adequately address what is really going on.  Let’s break down the core issue and I am sure you can then answer that question for yourself!

When someone asks a question, pay close attention to what IS said, but just as close attention to what is NOT said.

Many times people who are asking this question are feeling frustrated because their spouse takes issue with the relationship they have with their “best friend”, or the person feels there is something lacking in their ‘friendship’ with their spouse.  If we keep digging we might see emotions ranging from disappointment to discontentment, feeling controlled or maybe even jealousy.

So now that we understand what is really at the root of the question, I want you to put that on pause for just a moment, and let’s focus on the next question: How would you define the term best friend? Can we agree that a best friend is:

  • The person you feel the closest too
  • When something exciting or not so exciting happens in your life, you can’t wait to share the news with that person
  • You enjoy spending time with that person, even if you are doing absolutely nothing
  • You share your secrets with that person
  • That person has your back no matter what and vice versa
  • That person has access to your life (friends, family, etc)
  • If you have it, that person has it (be it food, money, opportunities, etc)

If we can agree to that definition of a best friend, I now want you to think about your marriage.  Should you prioritize that type of relationship with your spouse, or with someone else?  Those attributes may not define your relationship with your spouse today, but do you think that definition is a goal worth striving towards?

Often I believe people get stuck at the term “best friend”.   I loved what one writer said when discussing this issue:  “There is an important distinction between the role of best friend and the role of spouse, and I would be minimizing my husband’s role in my life if I called him anything else. I believe that a spouse and a best friend are analogous but not the same. It may sound nitpicky, but “best friend” can never do justice to the far more intimate calling of the marital relationship.”

If you are striving for a marriage that is rooted and guided by Biblical principles, then you have to remember what matters most.  Check the Word for what is says about marriage.  Mark 10:8-9 says “… and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” If that scripture is a guiding principle in your relationship, then all else will fall into place.  But you and your spouse must be brutally honest about where you are in relationship to what the Word says. Do you operate as one? Is there anyone that comes between the two of you, directly or indirectly? Do you both feel prioritized in one another’s life? Would you be willing to let go of any relationship that challenges the unity you have with your spouse?

Marriage doesn’t mean you automatically cut off everyone that you have bonded with over the years.   As a matter of fact, it is quite healthy for couples not to expect their spouse to meet all of their relational needs.  But if a man is to “…leave his mother and father” (Genesis 2:24) and join as one to his wife, then surely we can anticipate that there might be adjustments that have to be made to other relationships.

So let’s ask the question again: Should your spouse be your best friend?

The bottom line is this: If your spouse feels honored, protected, respected, prioritized, and loved, then I can almost guarantee you that it won’t matter if you consider someone else your best friend or one of your best friends.  Or , if you know that no one…including your spouse’s mother, father, line sister, frat brother or their best friend since middle school, comes before you, then I don’t think the title would matter as much to you. Make sure your spouse doesn’t feel neglected, disrespected or rejected by you, especially because of another relationship, and then you probably won’t really have to ask the question.

One last thing – – – People often ask about friendships with the opposite sex.  I would encourage you to first of all, remember the guiding principle of your marriage, second, remember that you must be extra careful to guard your marriage at all cost and lastly consider this rule of thumb that has proven effective for many couples: When there is a key person of the opposite sex that you or your spouse are particularly close to, there must be an intentional effort to build a mutual relationship amongst all parties involved.  In other words, any male that I consider a good friend, has also forged a relationship with my husband and vice versa.  There is mutual respect and those friends know the boundaries that we have set. The moment you start sneaking, hiding or adjusting because “my spouse just doesn’t get how close we are…” then you are setting your marriage up for failure! Consider your spouse at all cost and above all others, and watch how much smoother things go in your romance.

So now…I want to hear from you! Do you think your spouse should – – or has to be – – your best friend? Visit and “LIKE” our Facebook Page  to share your thoughts!


9 Surprising Ways You’re Lying to Your Husband

Ways you are lying to your spouse

Blog Taken from MSN

(Visit our Facebook page to share your thoughts on this article! Click HERE!)

Discover the secrets women keep that can strain a marriage.

Of course you shy away from outright dishonesty with your husband—what kind of relationship would that be? Still, lies of omission can cause just-as-serious marriage problems. From ignoring little issues to pushing down resentment, find out nine sneaky ways you might be keeping too mum.

1. When you don’t tell him about a new goal.

If you suddenly want to go back to school, but don’t speak up because it wasn’t in your original plan, your desire for more may morph into depression.

2. When you sacrifice something you’ve always wanted because it’s not what your husband wants.

Being totally selfless for your marriage’s sake is a sure path to resentment.

Click HERE to read the rest!

16 Ways to Build a Stronger Marriage in 2016


16 Ways_Revised

By Robin May



Did you know God created marriage?  I know that sounds like a ridiculous question, but that’s my slightly sarcastic way of pointing out that, yes, God created marriage. And He has given us a plan, a strategy, a process that we can follow to strengthen our marriages. But in order to receive the benefits of that plan, we must surrender our marriage to Him. Surrender your opinions, your frustrations, and your concerns…all of it, to Him and then trust Him to direct you and your spouses’ path.


How did you first know that your spouse was into you? I can hopefully safely assume there was some type of flirtation that clued you in! Well, why do we stop flirting after we say “I Do”? This year make a commitment to say and do things that will let your spouse know you are still all the way into them (oh. And if you are not…flirt anyway.  Your feelings just might catch up to your actions).


This year you and your spouse need to speak some things out loud that you want to see happen in your lives.  Speak prosperity, opportunity, healing, faithfulness, etc! Something happens when we get on one accord and speak boldly what we want to see come to pass!


Goals without a plan will end up as just another good idea. Remember I encouraged you to declare some things this year, but you should follow those declarations with a plan of action. Take some time to identify exactly what you want to see happen this year and build a plan (strategy) for making your families goals a reality.

 5. DATE

Often we say we don’t have time to date because we are so busy with everything else. But here is a word of caution: Whatever you neglect, will eventually wither away. Your marriage can not survive living on the back-burner of your life (Ooh! Click HERE to tweet that!).  Take time to invest in your romance.


Sometimes you just need to get away! And that means sometimes you and your spouse need to get away together, and then other times you need to give each other space alone. Now, before someone emails me, what that alone time looks like for each couple is unique to their relationship.  But there is nothing wrong with a woman having girlfriend time or man playing ball with his boys!


This year, make a commitment that you and your spouse will intentionally laugh together about the most random or silliest things you can find. Laughter really is good for the soul and besides, sometimes we take life way too seriously.  Here’s to regular moments when you and your spouse laugh until you cry!


Life can suffocate your ability to dream, but it’s up to you to push through and dream anyway! When you and your spouse maintain dreams for your family, it will keep you motivated and help you maintain your intimacy!


Of course living life with someone will bring with it moments of frustration and irritation. And that’s stating it mildly. But a wise couple knows there are some things you must choose to ignore! Stop making an issue out of everything! In 2016, make it a point to choose your battles wisely!

10. KISS

I know you scrolled through this list, looking for the number that said “SEX”! Well, I want you to do more than have sex this year. I want you to commit to making love, and that often starts with the intimate act of kissing. So yes….make sure your kissing leads to sex. At least most of the time.


This is two-fold. Part one? Remember that stuff happens. Stop getting thrown off because challenges arise within your marriage, with the kids, with your bills, with your extended family, with work and on and on.  Again, stuff happens. So instead of getting thrown off about what has happened, remember #4 and develop a strategy to deal with the situation! Part two? Try anticipating your spouse’s needs this year! Try and do those special things before they ask!  Your concern for them will impact your connection in a major way.


Did grow up hearing “treat others the way you want to be treated”? I know I did and honestly that is a valuable lesson in marriage.  I once read a quote that said “A successful marriage is comprised of two masterful forgivers”.  And trust me, if reading this is triggering some type of uncomfortable emotion for you, that my mean this is the tip that you really want to focus on! Forgiveness may be the key to unlock what you are looking for in your relationship. (Click HERE to tweet that!)


If we are not careful our marriage can begin to look like two ships passing in the night. Do not allow this to be what happens to your relationship.  Think about what makes you and your spouse feel the most connected, and then intentionally incorporate those moments into this year!  Try and invest in your marriage at every opportunity so that you can stay connected.


Every year we should take a moment to reflect on what worked in the previous year and what didn’t work.  Well, it’s important to do that with your family as well.  Identify anything that hindered your family from operating at its peak, and then release those things for 2016. Maybe you and your spouse were overbooked, or maybe you didn’t budget as effectively, or maybe there are some friendships that impacted your marriage in a negative way. Don’t be afraid of letting go of anything that holds you back!

15. VENT

I don’t know who told us that we have to hold in all of our frustrations.  Sure, as the Bible says, a wise (wo)man knows when to hold back, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times that you need to let it out. You and your spouse should create strategic moments of time, where you can vent your frustrations about your personal concerns. You may want to vent about work, the kids or your weight! Sometimes just getting it out, with your life partner, truly helps!


When you value something greatly you protect it. Your marriage should be no different. This year, make sure that you protect your spouse and your relationship from any forces that will try to impact it negatively.  Remember you and your spouse are one, so if it hurts them, it should hurt you. Be unrelenting and unapologetic in your commitment to stand guard for your relationship.