Have you and your spouse fallen into the Roommate Zone?

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10 Tips for Couples to stay out of the _Roommate

Many of us have heard of the “Friendship Zone”. It’s what happens when dating or getting to know someone.   One person has romantic intentions while the other person feels the relationship is simply platonic.  Unfortunately some people find themselves perpetually trying to get OUT of the “friend zone”!

While the “Friend Zone” may be an issue for singles, married couples have their own challenge! If married couples are not careful, they could easily find themselves in the “roommate zone”.  The roommate zone is when you and your spouse have started to operate more like two people cohabitating and not two people building a life together.  You pay bills together, help one another out with the children, but the bond between the two of you is friendly at best.

Staying connected doesn’t just happen.  A couple must be intentional about engaging with one another in a way that nourishes all aspects of their relationship.  If there is a lack of intention, passivity and neglect creeps in and with that the “roommate zone” can become the norm.

So what do you do? What are some practical ways that can help couples stay out of the “roommate zone”? In addition to staying spiritually connected through prayer, check out the 10 applicable tips below:

1. Keep it real to keep it right. Living in denial is not healthy for couples. If you want to stay connected, be honest with one another about your relationship and what you both need. Assuming your spouse knows what you need in the relationship is dangerous. It’s important to ask the tough questions. In addition, successful couples understand the ebbs and flows of a relationship. They are not afraid of seasons where things may seem a little off, because they know what it takes to get back on track. When we keep it real, it helps us keep it right!

2. Give one another space.  Spending time together of course is important. But just as important is the willingness to give one another space to do your own thing. Whether it is a day of shopping with the girls, a round of golf with the fellas or even just a day to yourself, having time apart can be good for your romance. If you are always together, how will you ever have a chance to miss one another?

3. Give grace the way you want it.  Can I help you? Or maybe can I help your spouse? Listen…you are not as easy to live with as you may think that you are! Ouch! I know that may not feel good but it’s all good! The truth is we all have ways about us that can be annoying. But what often happens is that we are much easier on ourselves than we are on our spouses. We look at our issues with so much grace (“God knows my heart”) but we look at the issues of our spouse through the lens of irritation (“Why can’t he/she get it together?”). Challenge yourself to give your spouse the same grace you would want to receive.

4. Don’t stop dreaming. You remember when the two of you first got together and you had such big plans for your future? Most couples start out with so many dreams but life happens and you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day “stuff”. Finding time to dream-cast will help you and your spouse reconnect as you imagine what is to come and build/plan for it together!

5. Learn the art of compromise. If you are going to live with peace with someone else, you must learn how to compromise. Just because it’s the way you’ve always done it, doesn’t mean that’s the way it always has to be. If you know that you can be stuck in your ways, it is important that you commit to giving in more than you do! Compromising helps you both feel respected and connected.

6. Be a safe place. Life is tough. People can be harsh. Drama is around every corner. That’s why you want to make sure you are a place of refuge from the “storms” of life. Creating an environment that makes your spouse feel at peace is a beautiful gift to your marriage. That doesn’t mean that you ignore issues or even sugarcoat shortcomings. It does mean however that you are wise enough to know when it’s time to “go there” and when it’s time to simply be there.

7. Be the President of your spouse’s fan club. Go ahead…create your flyer…order your pins…it’s time for you to run for office! And truthfully, there shouldn’t be anyone else fit for the job! You want to be the President of your spouse’s fan club. Make a commitment that no one will out cheer you when it comes to your spouse! Be the loudest person celebrating, encouraging and supporting your partner for life! Remember when they win, you win!

8. Play together. Why do we take things so seriously? Come on…lighten up a bit! Take some time to just enjoy one another. Be silly. Laugh. Act up. A couple that plays together, stays together.

9. Consider your spouse daily. The Book of Hebrews tells us that we should “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds…”. To consider someone means to take them into account, to think about them. Can you imagine how much more connected we would feel to our partners if we both intentionally considered one another daily?

10. Be intimate.   Have sex. A lot of sex.  Physical intimacy is a gift from God for married couples. And while it feels good (or should), it also serves a greater purpose.  Sex really does help married couples become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Its purpose is to keep us joined together even when the demands of life try and tear us apart!

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Remember, intentionality is key in your romance. Applying these tips will help you and your spouse stay connected rather than falling victim to the “roommate zone”…that place where two people are living together without growing together!

Your turn! What tips would you give to help keep the spark in your romance?

 

4 things couples should do midway through the year

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We've hit the halfway mark in the

We’ve hit the halfway mark of the year and this is the perfect time to pause and reflect on the first half of the year and prepare for the second half! Below are 4 things every couple should do right now to help them stay on track!

 1.  Take time to do a Relationship Pre-Mortem Exam.

If you look up the term “pre-mortem” you will see that it is a concept often used in business. Companies often identify what could cause a project to fail and then work backwards to make sure that it doesn’t. This is a great concept to apply to your own marriage. It sounds morbid but it’s actually proactive. Think through what issues could could kill your marriage & make sure you address them before they do.

 2. Take time to REVISIT or complete your Strategic Plan

I am often surprised at how many couples go through their marriage without a written vision for their short and long term goals. If you have not developed a strategic plan, it’s not too late. Click HERE to gain access to a template that will help you. If you did complete a strategic plan, this is a great time to revisit. Regardless if you are doing one for the first time or revisiting a previous plan, here are 4 questions to help shape your conversation:

  1. So far this year, what has gone right personally, professionally and in our relationship?
  2. What hasn’t gone that well and in what ways do we need to adjust?
  3. When we started this year, we had goals and plans but as the year as evolved things have changed. What goals do you need to let go of?
  4. Many times as things involve, we need to make adjustments. What goals do we need to add?

 3. Schedule a 24 – hour get away

Put away the phone. Find a babysitter. Leave the computer at home. You and your spouse should find some time to just be together. We often unintentionally neglect our marriage and it’s often because we’ve gotten so caught up in our day to day lives. It is fixable by simply being intentional and making it a point to get away!

4. Engage in a hobby or activity together

Researchers have found that couples that work together on a project of have similar interest feel a stronger connection than those that don’t. Make a commitment to reorganize the garage, paint the guest room or take up tennis lessons. Do something that allows the two of you to work towards a similar goal!

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We want to hear from you! Visit our Facebook Page and let us know which of these activities you and your spouse will commit too!

Best Definition of a Healthy Relationship

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Below is a great definition of a healthy intimate relationship.   This description was retrieved from “Tools for Coping with Life’s Stressors”.  I have put key words in bold for you to quickly browse (although I encourage you to read the entire definition).  Compare your current (or past) relationship to this definition to see how it measures up.

 Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship

 The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship.

You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship.  You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship. A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other.

This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money. A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

 

 

How to find lifetime love: 10 secrets from couples married for decades

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If you want to know about love, ask someone with a lifetime of experience.

That’s why, when Karl Pillemer set out to collect advice about that deepest of human experiences, he consulted the country’s elders.

Pillemer, a gerontologist and professor of human development at Cornell University, and his team interviewed more than 700 Americans, ranging in age from 63 to 108, about their views on love. Married for 43 years on average, they weighed in on everything from how to find the right person to what keeps the spark alive.

Here are 10 of their lessons on love:

1. Opposites may attract in the movies, but they don’t make great marriage partners

The elders told Pillemer that you should choose a mate who is a lot like you. That means sharing core values and interests and having a similar outlook on life. So even though opposites can make for an exciting relationship, a lasting union often involves people who have similar personalities and backgrounds.

Science backs them up: A study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that when people choose a partner, they prefer someone of a similar level of attractiveness, wealth and status, and commitment to family and monogamy.

2. Pay attention to what your friends and family say

Consider that if nobody likes your partner, there may be good reasons for it. So if your loved ones have lots of reservations, don’t get defensive but listen to why they feel that way.

3. Physical attraction is important

“I began this project with the illusion that the elders would be all about inner beauty, but the opposite was true,” Pillemer said. “Everybody across all walks of life said the relationship begins with a physical attraction of some kind.”

That doesn’t mean you have to be movie-star handsome or turn to cosmetic surgery. Rather, it means staying a healthy weight and looking as good as you can. That’s especially helpful if you want to keep the sexual spark alive in a relationship.

Click HERE to read the rest of the list!

Ways people treat you differently after “I Do”

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“The minute you flip your Facebook status to “engaged,” you’ll find out all the ways that people treat you differently after you’re married.” A blogger at Madame Noire breaks down. Click HERE to check it out!

51 Little Ways to Build Your Marriage

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There’s no shortage of little ways to show each other love, and just for fun, just because it fills my heart, I’m going to list the little things I’ve learned from you and feature some of the things I’ve seen when searching #staymarried across social media. Maybe you’ll get some ideas of even more little ways you can build your own marriage.

  • Warm up the car and scrape the ice off the windshield for your spouse’s car, too!
  • If you leave much earlier for work than your spouse, set the coffee timer so they can have a fresh cup when they need it.
  • Fold the socks the way he likes, instead of the way you like.
  • Replace their bookmark with a love note from you.
  • Buy their favorite candy at the store just because.

Click HERE to read the rest!

25 Ways to Communicate Respect

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25 Ways to Communicate Respect by Jennifer Flanders

Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.

What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.

1.Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4)

2. Honor His Wishes Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)

3. Give Him Your Undivided Attention Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words.

4. Don’t Interrupt Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.

5. Emphasize His Good Points Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8)

Click HERE to read the full article

5 Things YOU can do to help your marriage even when your spouse refuses too

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5 Things YOU can do…even when your spouse refuses too – By Robin May

“Robin! My spouse won’t go to counseling”! If I’ve heard that once, I’ve heard it a thousand times. So what do you do when you are willing to work on your marriage but your spouse refuses too? The answer to that question is that you do what you know is right to do.

As a matter of fact, that is exactly what the scriptures tell us. James 4:17 says “Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.” That almost seems unfair. But the Word is the Word. And if God has given you a mandate, He also has given you the grace to follow the mandate.

Sure…it takes two to tango. So if there are challenges in your marriage it will ultimately require both parties to fully invest in the relationship. But while you are waiting on God to do His GOOD work in your spouse, there are some things you can be doing.

Below are FIVE things you can start to do TODAY to invest in your marriage, even if your spouse isn’t willing to participate. Before we start I have to warn you.  These tips are not easy. They are not for the faint at heart. Marriage is for grown folks and often doing what it takes to fight for your marriage requires you to be a REAL adult! Are you ready? Okay…let’s go:

1. Develop a Prayer Strategy
Stop! Trust me. I don’t believe in giving surface responses to deep issues. I am not suggesting that you just say “God help us”. Pay close attention to the word strategy! During your prayer time, I want you to ask God to:
• Change YOU in the area that YOU need to change. It’s so easy to see the issues our spouse has but minimize our own issues. Ask God to help you see what you need to do to improve your marriage. One of my favorite prayer requests gleaned from Author Stormie Omartian is “God give my partner a new spouse and let it be me…”.
• Ask God to saturate your spouse with more of HIM! When your spouse has an intimate relationship with God, it can’t help but improve your marriage.
• Proverbs says that God has the King’s heart in His hands and He turns it however He wishes (Proverbs 21:1). If the King’s heart is in God’s hand, surely your husband or wife’s heart is also. While you may be frustrated in your marriage, trust me your partner more than likely is too. And frustration left unaddressed turns into bitterness which ultimately causes a disconnect in our marriage. With that in mind, ask God to turn your spouse’s heart towards you so that the two of you can reconnect!
• We were created to thrive in community. One of the challenges for many marriages is that the couple lives on an island and rarely interacts with other couples. And then, if and when they connect with others, often those influences aren’t healthy or intentionally focused on growth. As a part of your prayer strategy, ask God to revamp your spouse’s community. Pray for the people that your spouse is closely connected too. Ask God to remove and add according to what is healthy for your marriage.

2. Adopt a NO NEGATIVITY campaign
Let’s be clear! We are not talking about faking it or that false spirituality. Instead, this campaign is based on Proverbs 18:21 that tells us that LIFE and DEATH are in the power of the tongue. If that is the case, we want to speak LIFE over our marriage.

Remember…the way you feel is DIRECTLY connected to how you are thinking. And if your thoughts and words are all negative then of course you will feel negative towards your spouse. So instead, change your speech, which requires you to change your thinking. And as you do this consistently your feelings will begin to align!

Commit to finding SOMETHING that you can speak positively about in your marriage. Make sure you let those you are close to know that while you use to have husband or wife bashing sessions, you can no longer be a part of it. Encourage them to join you on the campaign…you all can help one another!

3. Figure out your spouse’s REAL need
One day a long, long, long time ago (actually…more like last week) my husband came home and before he could get in the door good I was letting him have it. I know. I know. Not “Life Coach Robin May”. But it’s true. I was ranting and raving at him, the kids and even the dog next door. Initially my husband was rightfully frustrated. Remember, he’d just walked in the door and had no idea why I was on a warpath. But eventually something clicked in him…probably the Holy Spirit…and he directed all 3 of our children out of the room and they all went downstairs for the next 2 hours. By the time he came back upstairs I was in such a better space and I (as hard headed as I am) apologized for my rant.

See, Lee was wise enough in that moment to identify what my real need was (time by myself to regroup) and so he did what he could to meet my need.
In the best case scenario you shouldn’t have to guess what the need is…you can ask. But if your spouse is unable to clearly articulate it, try and pay attention to their behavior and ask God to give you the ability to discern the need.

Once you identify the need, do what you can to meet it. Consistently. This is challenging particularly when you feel neglected yourself. But this is when you remember that His strength is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Draw on His strength to help you do what you don’t want to do.

4. Identify an accountability partner
I want to be upfront with you. Sticking to these commitments will not be easy. There will be moments that you feel that your best efforts are in vain. Your spouse may not respond positively, and it is in those moments that you will need to have someone to encourage you to keep going.

Your accountability partner needs to be someone that is in agreement with what you are trying to do and will believe God for your marriage even when you don’t!
Recently I was dealing with a few personal challenges and I sent a text to a few girlfriends and asked them to pray. I ended up spending some time with one of my girlfriends a few weeks later and I said to her “when I asked you to pray you never asked me what I needed you to pray about…” . She said “Girl, I don’t have to know any details…when you say pray, that’s all I need to know…I just start to pray”.

See, your accountability partner doesn’t even have to know all the details of your situation. They can just stand in the gap for you as you go through this part of your journey!

5. Seek professional support
If your spouse isn’t agreeable to working on the relationship the way you deem necessary, he/she probably isn’t willing to go to counseling either. But that’s okay! You can go to counseling by yourself. Counseling provides for you a safe place to process all that you are feeling in a healthy and productive way. This process should help you learn coping strategies for your own emotional well-being, give you strategies to express yourself in a more amenable way to your spouse and help you set boundaries where necessary.
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I want to hear back from you! Post on our FACEBOOK page and let me know which of these tips seem doable…which seem a bit difficult. Let us know your thoughts as we all support one another on this journey.

Remember to check out Marriage Moments with Life Coach Robin May. We have a library of FREE videos for you and your spouse to watch WITH discussion questions!

Ladies, do you live in the Atlanta area? If so, don’t miss our 4th Annual Celebrating Sisterhood Luncheon happening, Jan 25th! Click HERE to get your ticket!

5 Ways You (wife) may be destroying your marriage

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Article by: Katelyn Carmen (www.familyshare.com)

When I got married, I was amazed at the instant, overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt to love and care for my husband. Suddenly, a huge part of someone else’s well-being and happiness was largely affected by my choices and actions.

Women, we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.

Here are just a few ways you might be unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage (as a caveat, please understand that although this article is directed toward women, it applies to men as well):

  • 1. Living outside of what you can afford

    A wise old woman from my church congregation once advised: “The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband’s means.”  Click HERE to read the full article

4 Things Many Couples Should Do But Often Don’t

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Pray together. Forgive. Go on date nights. Have sex. A lot of sex. Say I love you. Laugh together. Encourage one another. Whew! After a while marriage can begin to feel like one big “to-do” list! If you are like me, sometimes it all gets a bit overwhelming. But the truth is it doesn’t have to be! Below are 4 things every couple should be doing that you might not be doing…and honestly these are pretty easy to implement.  Sure…so many things are important but go ahead and start here and watch the impact these tips have on your marriage.

In addition to praying for your spouse here are 4 more things you should do:

  1. Vision Cast

Sure you and your friends may be planning to get together for your annual vision board party, but what about you and your spouse? For some reason many couples forget the importance of taking time out of your life to intentionally and strategically plan for your future.  Why is this so important? The reality is if we are not careful, we can find ourselves headed in the opposite direction than our spouse and a few years down the road we wonder what happened or where we got off track.  Vision casting together (at least once a year, if not more) will make sure you are on one accord.  Need help creating a vision plan? Click here and get a Family planning template emailed to you!

 

2. Be open to feedback

I know. You have it all together and you never frustrate or irritate your spouse. Okay. Now the truth! After navigating “life” together we can easily begin to do things or say things that create tension in our relationship.  Many times in order to ‘keep the peace’ your spouse may not share with you the things that are frustrating to him/her.  In order to ensure that you both are aware of any concerns or challenges, open the door for feedback. It’s so easy to assume all is well because the “ship” is still afloat. But remember it took 3 years to build the titanic but it sank in just 3 hours.  We don’t want something to cause our relationship to sink so ask your spouse to share how you can be a better spouse and love them the way they need to be loved.

 

  1. Take a break…alone

Of course couples should want to spend time together and should enjoy one another’s company.  But as romantic as we might think it is, relationships become enmeshed when we feel that we must be with our spouse for every free moment. Jesus Himself had to break away from those closes to Him in order to have a little time alone.  This doesn’t mean that you need to take an extended vacation without your spouse, but having some “me-time” will make your time together that much better.

 

  1.  Start & complete a project together

Studies show that couples who accomplish things together have a greater bond than those that don’t.  You and your spouse should find a hobby, start a project at home or even commit to volunteering together.  Doing so will allow you to share your strengths, support one another’s weaknesses and celebrate once you’ve met your goal!

 

Implementing these 4 tips will allow you to invest in your marriage in a powerful way! What other tips do you have for couples? Visit our Facebook Page and let us know your thoughts!