Are you bored in your marriage?

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Boredom – – -one of the silent drains in marriage.

If you’ve been married any bit of time, you know that every marriage goes through seasons, but you may also know that seasons change! And the couples that learn the strategies to navigate the challenging seasons are the ones that come out stronger than ever!

And the truth is, boredom in marriage happens more often than we think, the issue is that most people won’t admit it! But no worries, you don’t have to admit it to your friends, but you do want to admit it to yourself! That is the first step to making the necessary changes!

Actually, the idea of boredom in marriage shouldn’t come as a surprise as quickly as we get bored in our lives overall! Most of us upgrade our phones every other week, switch our cars every other year and move more frequently than our parents ever did. No wonder we find ourselves restless in marriage.

One of the mistakes many couples make is saying “I do” on their wedding day but then they stop DOING what it takes to strengthen their romance. I found in my work with couples, that the realization that you must nurture your romance gets lost in the “day-to-day” life management.

Again, once we’ve been married awhile we understand that it’s easy to keep things exciting when you are filled with that “NEW LOVE” and you are on a romantic high – – – but the real work occurs when you face real life together over an extended period of time!

Boredom in marriage can also be described as martial apathy or even unintentional neglect! What does that mean? It’s simple; couples put their marriage on the back burner without even realizing it!

So how do you know if this is an issue for you and your spouse? There are certain things you should consider:

  • If you are honest, have you and your spouse stopped doing the fun things you did early on in your marriage?
  • Do you and your spouse rarely (if ever) break out of your day to day, year by year routine?
  • Do you and your spouse have a hobby, past time that is just for the two of you?

Based on how you answered those questions, you might be dealing this issue in your romance!

Okay, so what now? If this is an area of concern for you and your spouse, what can you do?

Check out a few suggestions to help you and your spouse put some pep in your marriage step!

  1.  BE HONEST

While this isn’t a comfortable conversation, it doesn’t have to be overly challenging. You aren’t necessarily saying that your spouse is boring, but that you simply want to add some spark to your marriage. Take responsibility for your part and even make some suggestions of what the two of you can do differently.

2.   MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

While we are talking about boredom in marriage, we do need to be realistic! Adulthood comes with responsibility and that means we can’t expect every day to be filled with excitement. There needs to be a consistency to create safety, so be careful not to minimize the importance of security in your marriage.

3. DO A SELF-CHECK

Boredom in marriage is real, but it can also be confused with personal self-dissatisfaction. It is so easy to have personal frustrations and project those frustrations onto our spouse. Do the self-work to ensure that your concerns are really related to the dynamics of your marriage.

4. TAKE TURNS

One person shouldn’t be solely responsible for maintaining the FUN in your romance. Spontaneity shouldn’t be one-sided, but it may need to be scheduled! Sounds like an oxymoron? Not really! If you and your spouse take turns in being the person responsible for creating fun, exciting and new opportunities then that means you take turns in being surprised at what’s to come!

5.  JOIN IN

Does your spouse have a hobby or a past time that they love but you haven’t really engaged in? Maybe you can join in and support them or even participate in the activity with them. It may be just the thing to set the two of you on the right track!

6.  HAVE FUN

Isn’t that the moral of the story? Isn’t that the whole point? It’s time for you and your spouse to have some good ole’ fashion fun! But it’s one thing to talk about it; it’s another thing to DO something about it! If you follow the work I do, you will always hear a constant theme…INTENTIONAL! You and your spouse must be intentional about scheduling time together to do the things that you enjoy! It doesn’t have to be expensive or extensive…but it should be consistent! Go have some fun!

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If you need a jump-start to getting rid of boredom in your marriage, why not join us for the Valentine’s Day “L.O.V.E.Y.O.U. Challenge” starting February 7th! Click HERE for details!

How intimate are you and your spouse? (Outside the bedroom)

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I don’t know about you, but it was never my intention to be married, but to live as roommates with my spouse. I actually wrote a blog a while ago focused on helping couples stay OUT of the Roommate Zone.

The roommate zone is when you and your spouse have started to operate more like two people cohabitating and not two people building a life together.  You know what I mean? You pay bills, “help one another out” with the children, and take care of the business of marriage, but the bond between the two of you is friendly at best.

So again, my dreams, my intentions, my expectations of marriage were never to simply be roommates with my spouse.

I am sure that was never your intention either.

I am also sure it is not far-fetched to state that most of us desire to be intimately connected to our spouse.

Okay, let me be clear. While you may not wake up in the morning saying “wow, I want to be intimately connected to you…” what you may be saying is:

I want our sex life to be on point.

I want to be able to talk to my spouse about anything.

I want to know my spouse has my back.

I want to know we are on the same page and working towards the same goals.

I want us to pray together.

But guess what.  All of those things equal up to a desire to be intimately connected to your spouse.

[Click HERE to take the “So You Think You Know Your Spouse” Quiz]

Intimacy is so much more than what happens in the bedroom (or wherever you and your spouse choose to “participate”).  Trust me when I say, sex is only one type of intimacy.

The desires listed above encompass not only Physical intimacy, but Spiritual, Intellectual and Emotional Intimacy as well.

Physical intimacy deals primarily with our sexual connection, but also includes non-sexual touch such as holding hands, kissing and just cuddling.

Spiritual intimacy deals with how we engage in godly enrichment and growth as a couple. This can be expressed through Bible study, prayer, attending worship service together regularly and building your everyday life around shared values.

Intellectual intimacy involves being on one accord with life goals, your basic view of humanity and what truly matters most in your worlds. This can also include, as with spiritual intimacy, how you make decisions about everyday life issues such as parenting and finances.

Emotional intimacy is centered around the ability to share with one another openly, without fear of retribution about the issues/areas of life.  It is a willingness to be vulnerable and available beyond the surface with your spouse.

And let me help you with this nugget — when any of the other areas of intimacy are greatly hindered, trust me…your physical intimacy (SEX!) will eventually be impacted as well.

I realize this is starting to be my swan song, but I have to say this until every married couple gets it:

When you are not intentional about nurturing your relationship, it will begin to suffer from unintentional neglect.  And anything that is neglected will begin to falter. Only what is nurtured will have a chance of survival.

So can I ask you a question? How are you and your spouse nurturing all areas of intimacy in your marriage?

Okay, so maybe at this point you are with me.  You realize that if you truly want great sex, open and productive communication or an improved spiritual connection with your spouse, you must be intentional about intimacy in every area of your life.  But the question you now have is how? What do you need to do, now that you know what’s at stake?

First, I believe you need to consider what has hindered your intimacy.  In order to fix a problem once and for all, you need to know what is causing the problem.  Over my years of working with couples, I have found 4 primary reasons that intimacy has been hindered.  Click HERE if you want to read up on the 4 areas I have discovered.

Next, I believe you need to follow these suggestions to build the intimacy in your marriage:

  1. As a couple, identify the area in your marriage that lacks intimacy 

Let me take some of the pressure off of you.  Every  married couple has some area in their marriage that needs to be improved.  I want you to think about the couple that you respect the most.  Do you have that couple in mind?  Okay, now…Trust me; even THEY have areas ripe for improvement in their relationship.  So its okay for you and your spouse to identify which area in your own marriage needs the most improvement.

You can start by identifying the area that you have the most conflict and then identify what is the real issue.  So for example, if your greatest area of frustration is finances, maybe the issue is a lack of trust (Emotional intimacy) or the issue may be that you are not on one accord when it comes to your life goals (intellectual intimacy).

Once you identify the area that is lacking, seek resources (or even professional support) to begin to nurture that area.

  1. Make a decision to do YOUR part when it comes to improving intimacy.

It is so easy to place blame on your spouse, but what are YOU doing to improve the intimacy in your marriage?  Have you made it a point to major in your spouse? What is your partner’s love language?  What draws your spouse towards you?  What is your spouse’s most pressing prayer request?

Intimacy boils down to our willingness to dive deep into the life of our spouse, to stay connected beyond the surface and to learn and grow together.

(Keep reading.  I have something to help you with this).

  1. Make a commitment to stay consistent.

Building intimacy in marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a one-moment-in-time decision.  That it is why it is critical that you remember the principle I shared earlier.  Let me repeat it:

When you are not intentional about nurturing your relationship, it will begin to suffer from unintentional neglect.  And anything that is neglected will begin to falter. Only what is nurtured will have a chance of survival.

Your marriage deserves a lifetime commitment of building and maintaining your intimacy, in all areas with your spouse!

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So, I want to help you!  Remember I said that intimacy boils down to our willingness to really know our spouse , to connect beyond the surface?  Here is a FUN, EASY to Do Quiz to help you see how well you really know your spouse! Click HERE to gain instant access to this QUIZ!

4 Signs your marriage may need a Sexcation!

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4 Signs _sexcation

By Robin May

If you’ve never heard of a ‘sexcation’ no worries, I’m pretty sure I made the term up. At least let’s go with that.  A sexcation is the same as a staycation! A staycation is the alternative to a full vacation, where instead of traveling away somewhere you choose to “stay” in your hometown and either chill out at home or find fun ways to enjoy your city.  Well, a sexcation is a twist on that! A sexcation is when you and your spouse take a day (or longer if you can make it happen) to shut down from everything else and enjoy (and yes…I mean “ENJOY”) one another!

Unlike many, I don’t brag about being busy. With a demanding career, a husband with an extremely challenging job, and three (did you catch that? 3!!) young children, I AM busy, but it’s not a badge of honor for me.  I believe busyness is a trick to keep us from really engaging and investing intimately with who and what really matters most.  However, that may be a blog for another time.

But I think we can all agree that with demanding schedules, no matter how passionate your marriage is, there are seasons when life has become so consuming that, let’s keep it real…It challenges your sex life! Either your times of intimacy are few and far between or the quantity is there but the quality is lacking.

In the many years that I’ve worked with couples, I’ve never met anyone who told me they got married to be celibate.  So that means it is critical that we prioritize the sexual intimacy in our marriage! Listen, life happens…we can’t avoid it, but we can pay attention to it and do something about it.

With that in mind, here are 4 indicators that you and your spouse need to slow down, unwind and reconnect…it may be time for a sexcation!

Wait…let me say this. Clearly this is not for the couple in crisis. If you and your spouse are having major marital issues, then these indicators may point to a need for counseling.  But if overall things are good between the two of you, then a sexcation may be just what the doctor (or therapist) ordered!  

  1. You can’t remember the last time you and your spouse had sex!

Talk about a big ole’ red flag! But let me help you.  Your friends won’t tell you this…but they’ve been there before! It can happen so easily.  You went out of town, the baby got sick, your spouse has a big project at work, your mother-in-law came to visit (am I telling all my business?) and the next thing you know, you and your spouse are trying to figure out the last time you were intimate! Recently I read an article that stated couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than those who have sex less often. So in other words, you don’t need to quit your job and have sex all day, every day in order to reconnect, but you do need to make sure you are consistently “together”.  If this one has already hit home, go ahead and call your spouse and schedule some time with your honey!

2.  You have sex often, but it’s not really doing it for you!

Maybe you read the first indicator that a couple needs a sexcation and you thought “well, that’s clearly not our problem”. You may have even felt a little smug because there is no way you and your spouse would go that long without having sex.  Well, hold on.  That may have not been for you, but this one might ring your doorbell. You and your spouse may have sex frequently, but if you are honest, you are often left feeling frustrated because it isn’t as intimate as you would like. Whether your moments of intimacy feel rushed, or sex is just another task checked off your to-do list, there is something more that you desire.  Well, a sexcation may be just what you need to really come together in a truly intimate way!

3.  One or both of you are snappier than usual and you have no idea why!

You know those times when you have a ‘tude for no reason? Or maybe your spouse, the children, the neighbor, the random person who just walked by….EVERYONE is working your nerves! But you know it’s not them…it’s you! Well there may be a simple and FUN fix!  It may mean you need an oxytocin boost. Researchers have proven that oxytocin (also known as the “Love hormone”) can help you feel calmer and happier. And on top of improving your mood, having some intimate time with your spouse will draw the two of you closer together! So again…grab your calendar, call your spouse and schedule your time together!

 4. Your schedules keep you going in opposite directions!

Like two ships passing in the night, you and your spouse are on two totally different schedules, so of course it is difficult for you to be together. While it is important to try and rework your schedules so that this is an exception to the rule and not the norm, this may be your reality longer than you care to admit. If this is your story, then a sexcation is exactly what you need! The two of you must make your sex life priority, so take some time away for the two of you to invest in your romance!

The truth is there are probably many more indicators that your marriage needs a sexcation! It’s interesting to me how many Christians feel uncomfortable talking about sex. Remember sex is God’s GIFT to married couples and it is critical to the health of your marriage.  As stated earlier, if there are other pressing issues in your marriage then a sexcation alone may not be the fix.  But if for the most part you and your spouse are in a good place, but you can tell something is off, then this may work wonders.  The physical enjoyment of sex is great, but sex serves as more than just an opportunity for us to feel good.  God created sex as a way to join a husband and a wife together in every level of intimacy, as ONE. When we diminish the role of sex in a marriage, we diminish God’s plan.

I often hear people say “I just don’t like to schedule sex! I want it to be spontaneous”.  When I hear that I assume either the person isn’t married, is a newlywed or they believe what they see on television.  Don’t get me wrong! Spontaneous sex is great! It’s even necessary! But the reality is we must prioritize (and that means SCHEDULE) what is important to us, and that includes sex.  If it isn’t scheduled it can easily be put on the back burner and you get to it when you can. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to settle for “get to it when you can” sex!  A healthy marriage includes sex that is intentional, consistent and hot! And yes, that type of sex can be scheduled!

So.  No more excuses.  Go ahead! Find a baby-sitter, schedule a vacation day at work, light the candles,  grab some take-out menus, find your favorite soundtrack and make it happen! You can thank me later!

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RESOURCES:

* Ladies, are you looking for a book to help you reignite your own sexuality? Check out “The Intentional Intimacy Project”. Click HERE!

* Couples, are you looking for a relationship review? Do you need to know the “health” of your marriage? Check out the Virtual Relationship Assessment! Click HERE!

 

Why she acts like she doesn’t want it…why he might not be enjoying it

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By Robin May

Yes. We are about to talk about sex.  Such a touchy subject (pun unintended) especially for us church folk.  And I understand why.  It can be a tricky line to be free to express our sexuality (within marriage) and not be prudish, while knowing the importance of discretion despite the culture we currently live in.

Recently on the KD Bowe Show, we discussed this topic and it was such a touchy (there I go again…) conversation because men and women often get on the defensive when talking about why their partners may not be enjoying their intimate connections.

As a therapist I often find that when it comes to areas of conflict in relationships men and women are unable to hear the others perspective because of their filters.  You can click HERE to watch one of the “Marriage Moments” video on the topic of filters to understand better. But basically over time we all develop filters through which we process life.  And when our filters become backed up with frustrations, disappointments, and challenges it is hard for us to connect with others (especially our spouses) in a healthy manner.

The reality though is that if you want to have a popping, spicy, exciting and ‘swinging from the chandeliers’ kind of sex life (Yes…all of that is okay no matter how holy you are!) then you might want to start listening to what your spouse is (and maybe even more important…what they are not) saying!

Let’s start with the ladies! Of course this does not cover all the reasons why it may seem like your wife is not interested in sex, but here are a few top reasons that I’ve found through the years I’ve worked with couples:

1st things 1st: Please understand that contrary to popular belief, women desire sex just as much (and at times more) than men do.  The challenge is that our fire can easily be tapped out by the demands of life. So with that said, your wife may not seem interested in sex because:

1. She doesn’t feel secure

Financially, spiritually, emotionally…Your wife needs to feel covered and protected by you. I don’t care how strong she is, she needs you. And when she does not feel secure in the marriage, she will often not feel like being sexually intimate. This of course is also tied into her knowing that you are being faithful and committed to her.  Trust me…one is directly connected to the other.

What can a husband do? Ask your wife if she feels secure and if not, what you can do differently to help change how she feels.

 2. She doesn’t feel supported

Work. Meals. Bills. Homework. Doctors Appointments. Parent Teacher Conferences. Ailing parents. On and on…many women tell me that they feel like they are juggling everything that makes the family run smoothly and they often feel like they are doing it alone.  Many women have said “I feel like my spouse is just another one of my children that I have to manage.” No wonder she isn’t interested in having sex. She is too tired.

Ladies…let’s have a little girl talk. (Fella’s don’t read this part) Now, we have to be fair.  Because we want things done the way we want them done, we can easily become the martyr (‘whoa is me, I have to do it all by myself’) and we refuse to give our spouse the opportunity to help.  While he might not do it just like you would, the goal is for it to get done…so loosen the reigns a little bit.

What can a husband do?  Chip in consistently! Sit down with your wife and revisit how the two of you manage the demands of your life and make sure that the work load is distributed in a way that is mutually beneficial for both of you.

3. She doesn’t feel sensual

Whether it is the suspect tummy, the extra junk in the trunk or the never ending wiggly arms, when a woman doesn’t FEEL sexy, she often doesn’t want to have a whole lot of sex.  Sure, this has mostly to do with a woman’s perception of herself, but remember perception is reality. Or maybe it isn’t her body…maybe she is just having a hard time going into the phone booth as mommy and coming out as a sex kitten.  Either way, when her perception is off, her libido often is too.

What a can a husband do? Start a campaign of reassurance! Remind her…daily …how attractive she is to you.  Try and be specific when you can. Instead of “You look nice today” you could say “Girl, that dress is doing you right”. (oooh maybe I should do a book of pickup lines!) Also, you can help her with the transition.  After dinner encourage your wife to go take a hot bath to relax…just cross your fingers and pray that she doesn’t fall asleep.

Let’s transition.  It’s time to share 3 reasons your husband may not really be enjoying intimacy:

1.He is distracted

Whether it is because of pressures from work, family challenges or issues in your marriage, contrary to popular opinion a man’s libido can be impacted by what is happening in his life. Don’t get me wrong…for many men it doesn’t stop them from engaging in or even initiating sex, but it can impact the quality of the act.

What can a wife do?  Ask your husband how you can help him (“Honey, lately you’ve seemed a little more stressed than usual…is there anything I can do to help?”); If your husband opens up to you about what is going on at work or with family, be a good listener…even if you have to bite your lip to keep from interrupting!

2. He senses your disinterest

If I hear any reason more than any other it is this one right here! Men often share with me that being intimate with their wife when she is clearly not interested is a huge turn off.  It’s one thing if it is a rare occasion, but if your husband is constantly getting “supposed to” sex vs. “want to” sex (Order a copy of my book “The Intentional Intimacy Project” for married women to understand more of what the difference is…),  it will impact his enjoyment when the two of you are together. Your husband wants an engaged, on fire, ready to rock and roll partner…not a “let’s get it over with” partner.

What can a wife do?  Get into it! Even if that means sharing with him what you need him to do differently…do so as gently (and maybe even as creatively) as you can!

3. He has an undiagnosed health issue

Men can be stubborn. I know…that is a sweeping generalization so I sort of, kind of, apologize…but I think that it is true when it comes to health issues.  Many men are hesitant about going to the doctor and therefore if there is something going on with their health they may not know it.  And often health issues directly impact a man’s ability to perform.  And the unfortunate part about it is, the issue is often an easy fix, but often goes undiagnosed.

What can a wife do? Encourage your spouse to go to the doctor. This might mean making a special promise (“Baby, if you go to the doctor, when you come home I will be your nurse.” – See! Another good line!)

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Remember, this doesn’t begin to cover the range of reasons there might be a disconnect in your marital intimacy. But I believe by starting here, you can at least get the conversation going! We want to hear from you! Join our FACEBOOK community and share your thoughts!