By Robin May
If you’ve never heard of a ‘sexcation’ no worries, I’m pretty sure I made the term up. At least let’s go with that. A sexcation is the same as a staycation! A staycation is the alternative to a full vacation, where instead of traveling away somewhere you choose to “stay” in your hometown and either chill out at home or find fun ways to enjoy your city. Well, a sexcation is a twist on that! A sexcation is when you and your spouse take a day (or longer if you can make it happen) to shut down from everything else and enjoy (and yes…I mean “ENJOY”) one another!
Unlike many, I don’t brag about being busy. With a demanding career, a husband with an extremely challenging job, and three (did you catch that? 3!!) young children, I AM busy, but it’s not a badge of honor for me. I believe busyness is a trick to keep us from really engaging and investing intimately with who and what really matters most. However, that may be a blog for another time.
But I think we can all agree that with demanding schedules, no matter how passionate your marriage is, there are seasons when life has become so consuming that, let’s keep it real…It challenges your sex life! Either your times of intimacy are few and far between or the quantity is there but the quality is lacking.
In the many years that I’ve worked with couples, I’ve never met anyone who told me they got married to be celibate. So that means it is critical that we prioritize the sexual intimacy in our marriage! Listen, life happens…we can’t avoid it, but we can pay attention to it and do something about it.
With that in mind, here are 4 indicators that you and your spouse need to slow down, unwind and reconnect…it may be time for a sexcation!
Wait…let me say this. Clearly this is not for the couple in crisis. If you and your spouse are having major marital issues, then these indicators may point to a need for counseling. But if overall things are good between the two of you, then a sexcation may be just what the doctor (or therapist) ordered!
- You can’t remember the last time you and your spouse had sex!
Talk about a big ole’ red flag! But let me help you. Your friends won’t tell you this…but they’ve been there before! It can happen so easily. You went out of town, the baby got sick, your spouse has a big project at work, your mother-in-law came to visit (am I telling all my business?) and the next thing you know, you and your spouse are trying to figure out the last time you were intimate! Recently I read an article that stated couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than those who have sex less often. So in other words, you don’t need to quit your job and have sex all day, every day in order to reconnect, but you do need to make sure you are consistently “together”. If this one has already hit home, go ahead and call your spouse and schedule some time with your honey!
2. You have sex often, but it’s not really doing it for you!
Maybe you read the first indicator that a couple needs a sexcation and you thought “well, that’s clearly not our problem”. You may have even felt a little smug because there is no way you and your spouse would go that long without having sex. Well, hold on. That may have not been for you, but this one might ring your doorbell. You and your spouse may have sex frequently, but if you are honest, you are often left feeling frustrated because it isn’t as intimate as you would like. Whether your moments of intimacy feel rushed, or sex is just another task checked off your to-do list, there is something more that you desire. Well, a sexcation may be just what you need to really come together in a truly intimate way!
3. One or both of you are snappier than usual and you have no idea why!
You know those times when you have a ‘tude for no reason? Or maybe your spouse, the children, the neighbor, the random person who just walked by….EVERYONE is working your nerves! But you know it’s not them…it’s you! Well there may be a simple and FUN fix! It may mean you need an oxytocin boost. Researchers have proven that oxytocin (also known as the “Love hormone”) can help you feel calmer and happier. And on top of improving your mood, having some intimate time with your spouse will draw the two of you closer together! So again…grab your calendar, call your spouse and schedule your time together!
4. Your schedules keep you going in opposite directions!
Like two ships passing in the night, you and your spouse are on two totally different schedules, so of course it is difficult for you to be together. While it is important to try and rework your schedules so that this is an exception to the rule and not the norm, this may be your reality longer than you care to admit. If this is your story, then a sexcation is exactly what you need! The two of you must make your sex life priority, so take some time away for the two of you to invest in your romance!
The truth is there are probably many more indicators that your marriage needs a sexcation! It’s interesting to me how many Christians feel uncomfortable talking about sex. Remember sex is God’s GIFT to married couples and it is critical to the health of your marriage. As stated earlier, if there are other pressing issues in your marriage then a sexcation alone may not be the fix. But if for the most part you and your spouse are in a good place, but you can tell something is off, then this may work wonders. The physical enjoyment of sex is great, but sex serves as more than just an opportunity for us to feel good. God created sex as a way to join a husband and a wife together in every level of intimacy, as ONE. When we diminish the role of sex in a marriage, we diminish God’s plan.
I often hear people say “I just don’t like to schedule sex! I want it to be spontaneous”. When I hear that I assume either the person isn’t married, is a newlywed or they believe what they see on television. Don’t get me wrong! Spontaneous sex is great! It’s even necessary! But the reality is we must prioritize (and that means SCHEDULE) what is important to us, and that includes sex. If it isn’t scheduled it can easily be put on the back burner and you get to it when you can. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to settle for “get to it when you can” sex! A healthy marriage includes sex that is intentional, consistent and hot! And yes, that type of sex can be scheduled!
So. No more excuses. Go ahead! Find a baby-sitter, schedule a vacation day at work, light the candles, grab some take-out menus, find your favorite soundtrack and make it happen! You can thank me later!
* Ladies, are you looking for a book to help you reignite your own sexuality? Check out “The Intentional Intimacy Project”. Click HERE!
* Couples, are you looking for a relationship review? Do you need to know the “health” of your marriage? Check out the Virtual Relationship Assessment! Click HERE!