4 Signs your marriage may need a Sexcation!

4 Signs _sexcation

By Robin May

If you’ve never heard of a ‘sexcation’ no worries, I’m pretty sure I made the term up. At least let’s go with that.  A sexcation is the same as a staycation! A staycation is the alternative to a full vacation, where instead of traveling away somewhere you choose to “stay” in your hometown and either chill out at home or find fun ways to enjoy your city.  Well, a sexcation is a twist on that! A sexcation is when you and your spouse take a day (or longer if you can make it happen) to shut down from everything else and enjoy (and yes…I mean “ENJOY”) one another!

Unlike many, I don’t brag about being busy. With a demanding career, a husband with an extremely challenging job, and three (did you catch that? 3!!) young children, I AM busy, but it’s not a badge of honor for me.  I believe busyness is a trick to keep us from really engaging and investing intimately with who and what really matters most.  However, that may be a blog for another time.

But I think we can all agree that with demanding schedules, no matter how passionate your marriage is, there are seasons when life has become so consuming that, let’s keep it real…It challenges your sex life! Either your times of intimacy are few and far between or the quantity is there but the quality is lacking.

In the many years that I’ve worked with couples, I’ve never met anyone who told me they got married to be celibate.  So that means it is critical that we prioritize the sexual intimacy in our marriage! Listen, life happens…we can’t avoid it, but we can pay attention to it and do something about it.

With that in mind, here are 4 indicators that you and your spouse need to slow down, unwind and reconnect…it may be time for a sexcation!

Wait…let me say this. Clearly this is not for the couple in crisis. If you and your spouse are having major marital issues, then these indicators may point to a need for counseling.  But if overall things are good between the two of you, then a sexcation may be just what the doctor (or therapist) ordered!  

  1. You can’t remember the last time you and your spouse had sex!

Talk about a big ole’ red flag! But let me help you.  Your friends won’t tell you this…but they’ve been there before! It can happen so easily.  You went out of town, the baby got sick, your spouse has a big project at work, your mother-in-law came to visit (am I telling all my business?) and the next thing you know, you and your spouse are trying to figure out the last time you were intimate! Recently I read an article that stated couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than those who have sex less often. So in other words, you don’t need to quit your job and have sex all day, every day in order to reconnect, but you do need to make sure you are consistently “together”.  If this one has already hit home, go ahead and call your spouse and schedule some time with your honey!

2.  You have sex often, but it’s not really doing it for you!

Maybe you read the first indicator that a couple needs a sexcation and you thought “well, that’s clearly not our problem”. You may have even felt a little smug because there is no way you and your spouse would go that long without having sex.  Well, hold on.  That may have not been for you, but this one might ring your doorbell. You and your spouse may have sex frequently, but if you are honest, you are often left feeling frustrated because it isn’t as intimate as you would like. Whether your moments of intimacy feel rushed, or sex is just another task checked off your to-do list, there is something more that you desire.  Well, a sexcation may be just what you need to really come together in a truly intimate way!

3.  One or both of you are snappier than usual and you have no idea why!

You know those times when you have a ‘tude for no reason? Or maybe your spouse, the children, the neighbor, the random person who just walked by….EVERYONE is working your nerves! But you know it’s not them…it’s you! Well there may be a simple and FUN fix!  It may mean you need an oxytocin boost. Researchers have proven that oxytocin (also known as the “Love hormone”) can help you feel calmer and happier. And on top of improving your mood, having some intimate time with your spouse will draw the two of you closer together! So again…grab your calendar, call your spouse and schedule your time together!

 4. Your schedules keep you going in opposite directions!

Like two ships passing in the night, you and your spouse are on two totally different schedules, so of course it is difficult for you to be together. While it is important to try and rework your schedules so that this is an exception to the rule and not the norm, this may be your reality longer than you care to admit. If this is your story, then a sexcation is exactly what you need! The two of you must make your sex life priority, so take some time away for the two of you to invest in your romance!

The truth is there are probably many more indicators that your marriage needs a sexcation! It’s interesting to me how many Christians feel uncomfortable talking about sex. Remember sex is God’s GIFT to married couples and it is critical to the health of your marriage.  As stated earlier, if there are other pressing issues in your marriage then a sexcation alone may not be the fix.  But if for the most part you and your spouse are in a good place, but you can tell something is off, then this may work wonders.  The physical enjoyment of sex is great, but sex serves as more than just an opportunity for us to feel good.  God created sex as a way to join a husband and a wife together in every level of intimacy, as ONE. When we diminish the role of sex in a marriage, we diminish God’s plan.

I often hear people say “I just don’t like to schedule sex! I want it to be spontaneous”.  When I hear that I assume either the person isn’t married, is a newlywed or they believe what they see on television.  Don’t get me wrong! Spontaneous sex is great! It’s even necessary! But the reality is we must prioritize (and that means SCHEDULE) what is important to us, and that includes sex.  If it isn’t scheduled it can easily be put on the back burner and you get to it when you can. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to settle for “get to it when you can” sex!  A healthy marriage includes sex that is intentional, consistent and hot! And yes, that type of sex can be scheduled!

So.  No more excuses.  Go ahead! Find a baby-sitter, schedule a vacation day at work, light the candles,  grab some take-out menus, find your favorite soundtrack and make it happen! You can thank me later!



* Ladies, are you looking for a book to help you reignite your own sexuality? Check out “The Intentional Intimacy Project”. Click HERE!

* Couples, are you looking for a relationship review? Do you need to know the “health” of your marriage? Check out the Virtual Relationship Assessment! Click HERE!


Can a marriage survive infidelity?

Can a marriage survive an affair_

By Robin May

As the Body of Christ we can either bury our heads in the sand and pretend that we don’t face the same challenges as non-believers, or we can deal with the facts but respond with the truth. The fact is that just like Non-Christian marriages, Christian couples also deal with the pain of infidelity in their marriage. But the truth is that there is no valley that God can’t bring us out of, no matter how tough it seems.

The question is often asked “can a marriage really survive infidelity”? My response is yes! It can actually not just survive infidelity; it can actually thrive after an affair.  But survival (or thrival – Clearly not a word, but just flow with me), doesn’t come without a cost or without a fight.  If your marriage has suffered from the wound of infidelity, it will require a commitment from both parties to do a 180 degree turn to restore the relationship.  But! Here is the good news for those who confess Christ! You don’t have to do it alone! You have the supernatural power of God on your side and we already know that He majors in bringing dead things back to life!

So what do you do! Here are the practical steps that you need to take if you want to start the journey towards restoration.

If you or your spouse have been unfaithful and you are both serious about restoration, start by closing ranks but not isolating. In other words as angry or hurt as you may be, be careful about venting to the people in your life. The people who love you also want to protect you. But their desire to protect you may not mean protecting your marriage. As you are trying to decide how you want to move forward, you want to make sure that you aren’t being impacted by those who mean well, but aren’t skilled to support you in the most effective way.

BUT at the same time you do not want to isolate! You and your spouse should not try and navigate the restoration journey by yourselves. The common refrain is “I don’t want folks in my business” but isolation is dangerous. Be prayerful and seek support from someone (preferably a professional) that you can both trust! You may also need a personal friend or confident, but again, be careful and make sure the person wants what God wants for you above all.

The next step is to try your best to stop any further damage. Immediately after an affair is found out the injured party (the person who was cheated on) may feel a strong desire to retaliate. And even if that retaliation doesn’t include infidelity, they may want to hurt that person in some other way.  These emotions are normal and at some point voicing and processing them will be necessary. But without guidance, the emotional response and then defensive response that may come from the person who cheated, only serves to do further damage.  So what do you do? Remember step 1! You want to turn to someone that can help the two of you move forward with as little collateral damage as possible!

The final step (final as in what needs to be done initially – not final as in that’s all you need to do! Trust me…this can be long process) is to get brutally honest about your relationship.  When working with couples, as tough as it is, it’s important to understand the full scope of the issue. Was this an isolated event or has there been a long-term pattern of betrayals – from cheating to lying to holding back full details in situations? Was this indiscretion between the spouse and a consensual adult? This is the time to get to the truth of what has been and is going on in the relationship and in regards to the affair. You want to be unequivocally honest about the reality of your relationship. You MUST face the truth before you can decide how to move forward.  Again, it is not wise to try and navigate this journey alone. Your emotions are too raw! Seek support!

Infidelity can be a devastating and at times fatal blow to a marriage. But there is hope! If you are the participating party (the person who had the affair), below are 4 things you want to consider in order for the relationship to move from its death bed, to surviving, to thriving! Immediately following you will find 4 questions the person who was cheated on (again – the injured party) must ask themselves! Finally, you will find resources that I believe can help you along the way!


Have you been unfaithful in your marriage? If so, here are 4 things you must consider.

Do you have:

1. An internal motivation for change  

While initially your desire to keep the marriage is because of how much you have invested in the marriage (“we’ve been together for so long!”), or you don’t want to disrupt the children (“I want them to be in a 2 parent household!”). But in order for you to thrive in your marriage you need to have an internal motivation. In other words, “I don’t like that I did this…and this is not the person I want to be”.

2. An acceptance of responsibility and a sincere expression of remorse 

Don’t blame your spouse. Even if you feel like there was something going on in your marriage that made you unhappy, you did not have to choose to cheat. Take responsibility. Express sincere remorse. And follow that remorse up with action.

3. A willingness to be held accountable  

If you have cheated your spouse has every reason not to trust you. That means they need to know that you are willing to be held accountable to what happened so that the two of you can start the process of healing. Saying “well, you can trust me now” just isn’t enough.

4. A willingness to be transparent (extreme transparency initially) 

This is tied into # 3. Yes… each of us ideally are entitled to some extent of privacy even when married. But cheating impacts your right to privacy. That means you must be open and honest and transparent. That might mean no locks on your cell phones, sharing email and even social media passwords, checking in more frequently when you are not with your spouse. This can help the process of rebuilding the trust. The goal is that as time goes on, your consistency creates less of a need for your spouse to “check up” on you!

Was your spouse unfaithful? Here are 4 things you need to consider:

1. Address any areas that you or your behavior MIGHT have contributed to a risky situation for you and your partner. Wait! Before you put your guard up…this doesn’t mean you caused the affair. You can’t force your spouse to do anything. Regardless of what was going on in the marriage, your spouse chose to respond the way they did. BUT, each of us must consider how we contribute to the chaos in our marriage.

2.   Will you be able to move on despite your hurt? There will come a time that you have to decide if you can move on. At some point your spouse can no longer be held captive to what they did in the past. A huge part of that is their response and behaviors, but if they are doing their part, you want to commit to doing yours.

3. Are you able and willing to take gradual but appropriate risks in restoring trust in your partner? Moving forward will cost you something. There will be a risk. There is no guarantee that your marriage will survive the infidelity. But if you are willing to try, you want to do so understanding that it is an emotional risk —that very well could yield great rewards!

4. Consider how your decision to stay or leave impacts your own values/beliefs. You don’t want to ignore your own values and beliefs when it comes to marriage. How does your faith play a part in how you choose to forgive? What are your values when it comes to marriage? This is important to consider as you decide how to move forward.

Special note: As you may have noticed, there has been no mention on how long this process will take. That is because there is no set time. For some the rebound happens quickly, for others it can take awhile. The point is to do what you know to do, seek help and trust God with the results!

Books that can help:

  • Past the Affair by Baucom; Snyder and Gordon (The therapeutic approach I have shared is based on this resource).
  • Desperate Marriage by Chapman
  • Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend


Have you and your spouse fallen into the Roommate Zone?

10 Tips for Couples to stay out of the _Roommate

Many of us have heard of the “Friendship Zone”. It’s what happens when dating or getting to know someone.   One person has romantic intentions while the other person feels the relationship is simply platonic.  Unfortunately some people find themselves perpetually trying to get OUT of the “friend zone”!

While the “Friend Zone” may be an issue for singles, married couples have their own challenge! If married couples are not careful, they could easily find themselves in the “roommate zone”.  The roommate zone is when you and your spouse have started to operate more like two people cohabitating and not two people building a life together.  You pay bills together, help one another out with the children, but the bond between the two of you is friendly at best.

Staying connected doesn’t just happen.  A couple must be intentional about engaging with one another in a way that nourishes all aspects of their relationship.  If there is a lack of intention, passivity and neglect creeps in and with that the “roommate zone” can become the norm.

So what do you do? What are some practical ways that can help couples stay out of the “roommate zone”? In addition to staying spiritually connected through prayer, check out the 10 applicable tips below:

1. Keep it real to keep it right. Living in denial is not healthy for couples. If you want to stay connected, be honest with one another about your relationship and what you both need. Assuming your spouse knows what you need in the relationship is dangerous. It’s important to ask the tough questions. In addition, successful couples understand the ebbs and flows of a relationship. They are not afraid of seasons where things may seem a little off, because they know what it takes to get back on track. When we keep it real, it helps us keep it right!

2. Give one another space.  Spending time together of course is important. But just as important is the willingness to give one another space to do your own thing. Whether it is a day of shopping with the girls, a round of golf with the fellas or even just a day to yourself, having time apart can be good for your romance. If you are always together, how will you ever have a chance to miss one another?

3. Give grace the way you want it.  Can I help you? Or maybe can I help your spouse? Listen…you are not as easy to live with as you may think that you are! Ouch! I know that may not feel good but it’s all good! The truth is we all have ways about us that can be annoying. But what often happens is that we are much easier on ourselves than we are on our spouses. We look at our issues with so much grace (“God knows my heart”) but we look at the issues of our spouse through the lens of irritation (“Why can’t he/she get it together?”). Challenge yourself to give your spouse the same grace you would want to receive.

4. Don’t stop dreaming. You remember when the two of you first got together and you had such big plans for your future? Most couples start out with so many dreams but life happens and you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day “stuff”. Finding time to dream-cast will help you and your spouse reconnect as you imagine what is to come and build/plan for it together!

5. Learn the art of compromise. If you are going to live with peace with someone else, you must learn how to compromise. Just because it’s the way you’ve always done it, doesn’t mean that’s the way it always has to be. If you know that you can be stuck in your ways, it is important that you commit to giving in more than you do! Compromising helps you both feel respected and connected.

6. Be a safe place. Life is tough. People can be harsh. Drama is around every corner. That’s why you want to make sure you are a place of refuge from the “storms” of life. Creating an environment that makes your spouse feel at peace is a beautiful gift to your marriage. That doesn’t mean that you ignore issues or even sugarcoat shortcomings. It does mean however that you are wise enough to know when it’s time to “go there” and when it’s time to simply be there.

7. Be the President of your spouse’s fan club. Go ahead…create your flyer…order your pins…it’s time for you to run for office! And truthfully, there shouldn’t be anyone else fit for the job! You want to be the President of your spouse’s fan club. Make a commitment that no one will out cheer you when it comes to your spouse! Be the loudest person celebrating, encouraging and supporting your partner for life! Remember when they win, you win!

8. Play together. Why do we take things so seriously? Come on…lighten up a bit! Take some time to just enjoy one another. Be silly. Laugh. Act up. A couple that plays together, stays together.

9. Consider your spouse daily. The Book of Hebrews tells us that we shouldAnd let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds…”. To consider someone means to take them into account, to think about them. Can you imagine how much more connected we would feel to our partners if we both intentionally considered one another daily?

10. Be intimate.   Have sex. A lot of sex.  Physical intimacy is a gift from God for married couples. And while it feels good (or should), it also serves a greater purpose.  Sex really does help married couples become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Its purpose is to keep us joined together even when the demands of life try and tear us apart!


Remember, intentionality is key in your romance. Applying these tips will help you and your spouse stay connected rather than falling victim to the “roommate zone”…that place where two people are living together without growing together!

Your turn! What tips would you give to help keep the spark in your romance?


4 things couples should do midway through the year

We've hit the halfway mark in the

We’ve hit the halfway mark of the year and this is the perfect time to pause and reflect on the first half of the year and prepare for the second half! Below are 4 things every couple should do right now to help them stay on track!

 1.  Take time to do a Relationship Pre-Mortem Exam.

If you look up the term “pre-mortem” you will see that it is a concept often used in business. Companies often identify what could cause a project to fail and then work backwards to make sure that it doesn’t. This is a great concept to apply to your own marriage. It sounds morbid but it’s actually proactive. Think through what issues could could kill your marriage & make sure you address them before they do.

 2. Take time to REVISIT or complete your Strategic Plan

I am often surprised at how many couples go through their marriage without a written vision for their short and long term goals. If you have not developed a strategic plan, it’s not too late. Click HERE to gain access to a template that will help you. If you did complete a strategic plan, this is a great time to revisit. Regardless if you are doing one for the first time or revisiting a previous plan, here are 4 questions to help shape your conversation:

  1. So far this year, what has gone right personally, professionally and in our relationship?
  2. What hasn’t gone that well and in what ways do we need to adjust?
  3. When we started this year, we had goals and plans but as the year as evolved things have changed. What goals do you need to let go of?
  4. Many times as things involve, we need to make adjustments. What goals do we need to add?

 3. Schedule a 24 – hour get away

Put away the phone. Find a babysitter. Leave the computer at home. You and your spouse should find some time to just be together. We often unintentionally neglect our marriage and it’s often because we’ve gotten so caught up in our day to day lives. It is fixable by simply being intentional and making it a point to get away!

4. Engage in a hobby or activity together

Researchers have found that couples that work together on a project of have similar interest feel a stronger connection than those that don’t. Make a commitment to reorganize the garage, paint the guest room or take up tennis lessons. Do something that allows the two of you to work towards a similar goal!


We want to hear from you! Visit our Facebook Page and let us know which of these activities you and your spouse will commit too!

15 Signs You’re With A Good Man


(I saw this article from the Huffington Post and I just had to post it and get input from the “I Believe in Marriage” Community! Do you agree with this list? Is there anything you would add?)


(Article from The Huffington Post)

1. A good man never lets you forget how much he loves you.

I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with people who tell me that there is no affection in their relationship. The man in their life does not make them feel loved, wanted or appreciated. This is a profoundly important piece of the puzzle — a good man will always remind you how much you mean to him.

If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if they do.

2. A good man always supports you.

Regardless of whether you want to go back to school after 20 years to get your Master’s degree, start a singing career or stay at home to raise a family, a good man will always support you and what you want out of your life. He will never discourage you or make you feel as though you can’t do what you set out to do. He will be beside you every step of the way, cheering on your victories and comforting you during your defeats.

3. A good man will inspire you.

This goes one step beyond supporting you, which can be more passive. To inspire someone takes effort both in how one lives their own life and how they encourage others to live theirs. A good man’s drive and ambition will rub off on you as he pursues his own passions.

4. A good man will work to gain your trust.

A good man will want you to be comfortable and confident in your relationship. The very cornerstone of this is being able to trust someone, and he will realize that. Without trust, there is no foundation for love or respect.

He will understand that trust is not just handed over to someone — it has to be earned, and then it has to be kept.

5. A good man will always make you feel beautiful.

He will understand that making you feel beautiful does not just mean saying the words to you. It will mean truly making you feel beautiful. In the way he looks at you, touches you and treats you. He will notice details when you put effort into your appearance and remind you how attractive he still finds you, even when you don’t.

A good man will understand that whether you are in your sweatpants on the couch or in your evening gown heading to a gala, when you love someone for who they truly are, everything about them becomes beautiful.

6. A good man will make you feel safe.

I have always said that I believe one of the best compliments a woman can give her partner is telling him that she feels safe around him. Regardless of how attracted she is to you or how funny she thinks you are or how much money you have, if a woman cannot sleep soundly by your side at night, none of it matters.

7. A good man does the little things.

Do you need a prescription filled, but have to stay late at work? Did you mention an art exhibit coming to town and he made plans to take you to see it? Regardless of how small certain things seem, he will understand they are really the big things that matter most.

(So what do you think so far? My favorite from this list is #4 because I too believe trust is earned and I think that it should be worked for on both sides! Which is your fav so far? Click HERE to read the full list!)

7 Often Overlooked Signs of a Successful Marriage

7 Often Overlooked Signs of a Successful Marriage

By Robin May

A simple Google search for characteristics of a successful marriage will yield more than enough ideas on what it takes to make a marriage work. But while the different ideas on the ingredients needed to make a marriage work may be good, trying to cipher through all of it is more than a notion.

The truth is that marriage is a challenging terrain but one that can be navigated successfully…you just need a road map to help you. And it is up to you to decide what roadmap you are going to use.

As a mental health therapist, I’ve worked with many couples over the years, and I’ve seen the good and not so good. I’ve seen one person ‘fight’ for their marriage while the other one seemed disinterested in giving much effort at all. I’ve seen couples start counseling with little hope that they can make it work, but end up pleasantly surprised that they could reignite their spark.

I believe in marriage. Not because of my marriage. Not because of the union of couples I greatly admire. I believe in marriage because it is God’s institution. And He does all things well.

With that said, I believe there are 7 often overlooked characteristics that when incorporated by both partners can create a strong and long lasting romance. While the often discussed ingredients (trust, communication, friendship, etc.) are important, it is equally (if not more so) important that we push past the surface and identify other character traits that impact our relationship.

Ready? Here are the 7 Characteristics that point to a successful marriage:

  1. Self-Insight

It is very easy for us to see the challenges our spouse has and minimize how we contribute to the chaos in our marriage. But being able to admit your role in the challenges you and your spouse face, and being willing to do something about your role, will help to keep the relationship strong.

2.  Open to change

I know that once we hit a certain age, we become comfortable in the skin we are in. And rightfully so. But, being comfortable or confident in who you are does not discount the fact that we should all strive to become a better version of ourselves. Accepting that there may be areas where we can evolve will help our relationships stay on track.

 3.  Reasonableness

In order to truly merge two lives together requires that both parties use sound judgment in their interactions, decision making and communication. Being open to a different perspective, even when vastly different from your own will ensure both parties feel acknowledged and respected in the relationship.

4. Receptive to accountability

As adults we sometimes forget that we still need support and wise counsel from others. It is at times a thin line between protecting the privacy of your relationship and isolating. However, a healthy marriage is not a marriage that is independent of accountability. With that said, it is critical that you are careful as to who you trust to give you guidance.

5.  Properly prioritizing the relationship

Many of us make the mistake of paying attention to the urgent and ignoring what is important. Urgent matters often demand that we respond immediately and therefore we neglect the areas that may not be as demanding, but many times have a greater life impact. Couples in a healthy marriage don’t allow the demands of life to constantly suffocate the needs of their relationship, and they are willing to make the tough choices to realign if they get off track.

 6.  Intentional forgiveness

Because marriage consists of two human beings trying to become ‘one’, it is inevitable that we might unintentionally (or, if we are honest, maybe at times intentionally) hurt one another. Choosing to show grace in those moments, offer the gift of forgiveness and hit reset on the relationship, is the difference between a strong marriage and one that is bound for trouble.

7.  Embracing a higher standard

People of faith realize that their marriage is not just about them. It is a picture that represents God’s love for His church. Therefore, remembering that while you may not FEEL like being loving or you may not be THINKING positively about your spouse, your marriage is bigger than you. Making decisions based on God’s standards and not your own will help you do what you may not want to do to make your marriage work!

Best Definition of a Healthy Relationship

Below is a great definition of a healthy intimate relationship.   This description was retrieved from “Tools for Coping with Life’s Stressors”.  I have put key words in bold for you to quickly browse (although I encourage you to read the entire definition).  Compare your current (or past) relationship to this definition to see how it measures up.

 Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship

 The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship.

You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship.  You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship. A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other.

This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money. A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.



How #TheDress Debate Can Impact Your Marriage

The Dress (Photo obtained from: www.bgr.in)

 By Robin May

Who would have thought an internet sensation started by a Scottish musician could actually have a huge impact on your marriage.

I know. It seems like a far stretch, but just bear with me.

One of the things that I have found to be a challenge in many marriages is the power of perspective. We all know that our perspective is our reality…but our perspective doesn’t always match the facts. Our perspective is an interpretation of the facts…or an interpretation of what has happened.  I love this quote: ”If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”.

Wait. Let me give that to you again because it supports my suggestion that #TheDress Debate can impact your marriage.

”If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”.

Confession. Because I know you are dying to know.  When it comes to the dress, I can only see Blue and Black. I don’t even remember the other colors and actually it doesn’t matter because come on ya’ll…there is no way that dress can be anything other than blue and black…and anyone who sees anything else is downright crazy.

Okay. Maybe I went a little far with that, but that proves my point.  Two people can look at the very same thing, but the way they see that thing is based on the way their brain works…the way they process…it is based on our personal filters.  Again (I just mentioned this in the last blog), click HERE to hear me explain the concept of our “filter” and how it impacts our relationships. And many times we get so consumed with OUR view that it is hard to see the other persons view.

I challenge you to google (or you could ‘bing’ it…but who actually uses ‘bing’ when there is ‘google’? J/k) #TheDress.  Look at all the different comments…check out how sold people are on what THEY see…observe how some people have even gotten a little testy at those who don’t see it the way they see it. And then think about your marriage.

Whether the issues is money management (should we save for a new house or pay off all the bills?), raising children (should we allow him to quit football since he doesn’t like his coach, or should we make him stay to develop his character), or “THAT” issue (every couple has one) that you can’t seem to resolve, it all boils down to our perspective.  And learning how to respect the way our spouse processes situations is crucial for a healthy relationship.

Let’s revisit the quote I shared:

”If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”.

Could it be that if you change the way you look at your marriage, maybe your marriage could change?

So there you have it. Hashtag DressGate is much more than a crazy online sensation. Never mind. It is a crazy online sensation. But it can really help your relationship.  Take some time to chat with your spouse about it. Ladies, sure your husband initially might think you are crazy for bringing this topic to him…and fellas she might be slightly concerned that you are interested in this dress debate….but push through the resistance and get to the heart of the matter! I believe you will be surprised at how enlightening the conversation could be!

Discussion Questions:

  1. Do you feel that I respect your perspective on issues?
  2. How can we both be more sensitive to one another’s viewpoints and ideas?
  3. How to we resolve an issue when we both have vastly different viewpoints?


Why she acts like she doesn’t want it…why he might not be enjoying it



By Robin May

Yes. We are about to talk about sex.  Such a touchy subject (pun unintended) especially for us church folk.  And I understand why.  It can be a tricky line to be free to express our sexuality (within marriage) and not be prudish, while knowing the importance of discretion despite the culture we currently live in.

Recently on the KD Bowe Show, we discussed this topic and it was such a touchy (there I go again…) conversation because men and women often get on the defensive when talking about why their partners may not be enjoying their intimate connections.

As a therapist I often find that when it comes to areas of conflict in relationships men and women are unable to hear the others perspective because of their filters.  You can click HERE to watch one of the “Marriage Moments” video on the topic of filters to understand better. But basically over time we all develop filters through which we process life.  And when our filters become backed up with frustrations, disappointments, and challenges it is hard for us to connect with others (especially our spouses) in a healthy manner.

The reality though is that if you want to have a popping, spicy, exciting and ‘swinging from the chandeliers’ kind of sex life (Yes…all of that is okay no matter how holy you are!) then you might want to start listening to what your spouse is (and maybe even more important…what they are not) saying!

Let’s start with the ladies! Of course this does not cover all the reasons why it may seem like your wife is not interested in sex, but here are a few top reasons that I’ve found through the years I’ve worked with couples:

1st things 1st: Please understand that contrary to popular belief, women desire sex just as much (and at times more) than men do.  The challenge is that our fire can easily be tapped out by the demands of life. So with that said, your wife may not seem interested in sex because:

1. She doesn’t feel secure

Financially, spiritually, emotionally…Your wife needs to feel covered and protected by you. I don’t care how strong she is, she needs you. And when she does not feel secure in the marriage, she will often not feel like being sexually intimate. This of course is also tied into her knowing that you are being faithful and committed to her.  Trust me…one is directly connected to the other.

What can a husband do? Ask your wife if she feels secure and if not, what you can do differently to help change how she feels.

 2. She doesn’t feel supported

Work. Meals. Bills. Homework. Doctors Appointments. Parent Teacher Conferences. Ailing parents. On and on…many women tell me that they feel like they are juggling everything that makes the family run smoothly and they often feel like they are doing it alone.  Many women have said “I feel like my spouse is just another one of my children that I have to manage.” No wonder she isn’t interested in having sex. She is too tired.

Ladies…let’s have a little girl talk. (Fella’s don’t read this part) Now, we have to be fair.  Because we want things done the way we want them done, we can easily become the martyr (‘whoa is me, I have to do it all by myself’) and we refuse to give our spouse the opportunity to help.  While he might not do it just like you would, the goal is for it to get done…so loosen the reigns a little bit.

What can a husband do?  Chip in consistently! Sit down with your wife and revisit how the two of you manage the demands of your life and make sure that the work load is distributed in a way that is mutually beneficial for both of you.

3. She doesn’t feel sensual

Whether it is the suspect tummy, the extra junk in the trunk or the never ending wiggly arms, when a woman doesn’t FEEL sexy, she often doesn’t want to have a whole lot of sex.  Sure, this has mostly to do with a woman’s perception of herself, but remember perception is reality. Or maybe it isn’t her body…maybe she is just having a hard time going into the phone booth as mommy and coming out as a sex kitten.  Either way, when her perception is off, her libido often is too.

What a can a husband do? Start a campaign of reassurance! Remind her…daily …how attractive she is to you.  Try and be specific when you can. Instead of “You look nice today” you could say “Girl, that dress is doing you right”. (oooh maybe I should do a book of pickup lines!) Also, you can help her with the transition.  After dinner encourage your wife to go take a hot bath to relax…just cross your fingers and pray that she doesn’t fall asleep.

Let’s transition.  It’s time to share 3 reasons your husband may not really be enjoying intimacy:

1.He is distracted

Whether it is because of pressures from work, family challenges or issues in your marriage, contrary to popular opinion a man’s libido can be impacted by what is happening in his life. Don’t get me wrong…for many men it doesn’t stop them from engaging in or even initiating sex, but it can impact the quality of the act.

What can a wife do?  Ask your husband how you can help him (“Honey, lately you’ve seemed a little more stressed than usual…is there anything I can do to help?”); If your husband opens up to you about what is going on at work or with family, be a good listener…even if you have to bite your lip to keep from interrupting!

2. He senses your disinterest

If I hear any reason more than any other it is this one right here! Men often share with me that being intimate with their wife when she is clearly not interested is a huge turn off.  It’s one thing if it is a rare occasion, but if your husband is constantly getting “supposed to” sex vs. “want to” sex (Order a copy of my book “The Intentional Intimacy Project” for married women to understand more of what the difference is…),  it will impact his enjoyment when the two of you are together. Your husband wants an engaged, on fire, ready to rock and roll partner…not a “let’s get it over with” partner.

What can a wife do?  Get into it! Even if that means sharing with him what you need him to do differently…do so as gently (and maybe even as creatively) as you can!

3. He has an undiagnosed health issue

Men can be stubborn. I know…that is a sweeping generalization so I sort of, kind of, apologize…but I think that it is true when it comes to health issues.  Many men are hesitant about going to the doctor and therefore if there is something going on with their health they may not know it.  And often health issues directly impact a man’s ability to perform.  And the unfortunate part about it is, the issue is often an easy fix, but often goes undiagnosed.

What can a wife do? Encourage your spouse to go to the doctor. This might mean making a special promise (“Baby, if you go to the doctor, when you come home I will be your nurse.” – See! Another good line!)


Remember, this doesn’t begin to cover the range of reasons there might be a disconnect in your marital intimacy. But I believe by starting here, you can at least get the conversation going! We want to hear from you! Join our FACEBOOK community and share your thoughts!


How to find lifetime love: 10 secrets from couples married for decades

older couple

If you want to know about love, ask someone with a lifetime of experience.

That’s why, when Karl Pillemer set out to collect advice about that deepest of human experiences, he consulted the country’s elders.

Pillemer, a gerontologist and professor of human development at Cornell University, and his team interviewed more than 700 Americans, ranging in age from 63 to 108, about their views on love. Married for 43 years on average, they weighed in on everything from how to find the right person to what keeps the spark alive.

Here are 10 of their lessons on love:

1. Opposites may attract in the movies, but they don’t make great marriage partners

The elders told Pillemer that you should choose a mate who is a lot like you. That means sharing core values and interests and having a similar outlook on life. So even though opposites can make for an exciting relationship, a lasting union often involves people who have similar personalities and backgrounds.

Science backs them up: A study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that when people choose a partner, they prefer someone of a similar level of attractiveness, wealth and status, and commitment to family and monogamy.

2. Pay attention to what your friends and family say

Consider that if nobody likes your partner, there may be good reasons for it. So if your loved ones have lots of reservations, don’t get defensive but listen to why they feel that way.

3. Physical attraction is important

“I began this project with the illusion that the elders would be all about inner beauty, but the opposite was true,” Pillemer said. “Everybody across all walks of life said the relationship begins with a physical attraction of some kind.”

That doesn’t mean you have to be movie-star handsome or turn to cosmetic surgery. Rather, it means staying a healthy weight and looking as good as you can. That’s especially helpful if you want to keep the sexual spark alive in a relationship.

Click HERE to read the rest of the list!