Are you bored in your marriage?

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Boredom – – -one of the silent drains in marriage.

If you’ve been married any bit of time, you know that every marriage goes through seasons, but you may also know that seasons change! And the couples that learn the strategies to navigate the challenging seasons are the ones that come out stronger than ever!

And the truth is, boredom in marriage happens more often than we think, the issue is that most people won’t admit it! But no worries, you don’t have to admit it to your friends, but you do want to admit it to yourself! That is the first step to making the necessary changes!

Actually, the idea of boredom in marriage shouldn’t come as a surprise as quickly as we get bored in our lives overall! Most of us upgrade our phones every other week, switch our cars every other year and move more frequently than our parents ever did. No wonder we find ourselves restless in marriage.

One of the mistakes many couples make is saying “I do” on their wedding day but then they stop DOING what it takes to strengthen their romance. I found in my work with couples, that the realization that you must nurture your romance gets lost in the “day-to-day” life management.

Again, once we’ve been married awhile we understand that it’s easy to keep things exciting when you are filled with that “NEW LOVE” and you are on a romantic high – – – but the real work occurs when you face real life together over an extended period of time!

Boredom in marriage can also be described as martial apathy or even unintentional neglect! What does that mean? It’s simple; couples put their marriage on the back burner without even realizing it!

So how do you know if this is an issue for you and your spouse? There are certain things you should consider:

  • If you are honest, have you and your spouse stopped doing the fun things you did early on in your marriage?
  • Do you and your spouse rarely (if ever) break out of your day to day, year by year routine?
  • Do you and your spouse have a hobby, past time that is just for the two of you?

Based on how you answered those questions, you might be dealing this issue in your romance!

Okay, so what now? If this is an area of concern for you and your spouse, what can you do?

Check out a few suggestions to help you and your spouse put some pep in your marriage step!

  1.  BE HONEST

While this isn’t a comfortable conversation, it doesn’t have to be overly challenging. You aren’t necessarily saying that your spouse is boring, but that you simply want to add some spark to your marriage. Take responsibility for your part and even make some suggestions of what the two of you can do differently.

2.   MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

While we are talking about boredom in marriage, we do need to be realistic! Adulthood comes with responsibility and that means we can’t expect every day to be filled with excitement. There needs to be a consistency to create safety, so be careful not to minimize the importance of security in your marriage.

3. DO A SELF-CHECK

Boredom in marriage is real, but it can also be confused with personal self-dissatisfaction. It is so easy to have personal frustrations and project those frustrations onto our spouse. Do the self-work to ensure that your concerns are really related to the dynamics of your marriage.

4. TAKE TURNS

One person shouldn’t be solely responsible for maintaining the FUN in your romance. Spontaneity shouldn’t be one-sided, but it may need to be scheduled! Sounds like an oxymoron? Not really! If you and your spouse take turns in being the person responsible for creating fun, exciting and new opportunities then that means you take turns in being surprised at what’s to come!

5.  JOIN IN

Does your spouse have a hobby or a past time that they love but you haven’t really engaged in? Maybe you can join in and support them or even participate in the activity with them. It may be just the thing to set the two of you on the right track!

6.  HAVE FUN

Isn’t that the moral of the story? Isn’t that the whole point? It’s time for you and your spouse to have some good ole’ fashion fun! But it’s one thing to talk about it; it’s another thing to DO something about it! If you follow the work I do, you will always hear a constant theme…INTENTIONAL! You and your spouse must be intentional about scheduling time together to do the things that you enjoy! It doesn’t have to be expensive or extensive…but it should be consistent! Go have some fun!

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If you need a jump-start to getting rid of boredom in your marriage, why not join us for the Valentine’s Day “L.O.V.E.Y.O.U. Challenge” starting February 7th! Click HERE for details!

12 Things Happy Couples Know

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By Robin May

12 Things Happy Couples Know!

“What can someone else tell me about my marriage?”

“I don’t believe in letting people in my business”

“Just because it works for them, doesn’t mean it will work for us”

These are just a few of the statements that I have heard over the years as to why people don’t seek support in their marriage.  While I have very solid responses to these types of reasons, the primary response I stick to is this: “You can keep doing what you’ve always done and you will keep getting what you got” (Bad grammar intended). But if you want to grow stronger in your marriage, staying in solitude and not seeking outside support is not the way to go.

I truly believe what the Bible says, “There is wisdom in a multitude of counsel” and one of the best places to seek counsel is from people who have found success in navigating the marriage terrain!

With that in mind, check out the list I have compiled on the topic of happy couples!

I would encourage you to take a moment and sit down with your spouse to go over these 12 principles that HAPPY couples know.  Remember, happiness does not mean there are no issues.  Happiness simply means you’ve learned how to navigate the tough spots and rebound effectively.

Before you dive into these 12 reasons, please note you will see the reference to “healthy relationships”. To ensure we are on accord as to what the definition of a healthy relationship is, click HERE.

Let’s dive in!

12 Things Happy Couples Know:

  1. Happy couples understand they need Jesus and not just on Sunday morning

If you go and stand in a garage that doesn’t turn you into a car.  In that same sense, going to church doesn’t make you a Christian.  Happy couples understand that if their relationship is going to grow they MUST keep Jesus in the center of their romance.  Both parties submitting to Jesus helps to bring you back on one accord when both of you can’t see eye to eye and when life’s challenges seem insurmountable.

  1. Happy couples realize each marriage has seasons so they don’t get scared during winter

Gary Chapman wrote a book called “Four Seasons of Marriage” where he helps couples understand the different stages of their relationship.  Let me normalize this for you! Every couple hits a tough spot.  But happy couples know that together they can get through it.  That means when they find themselves in a challenging season, while they begin to address the problem right away, at the same time they don’t allow the problem to challenge the overall strength of their union.

  1. Happy couples give one another the benefit of the doubt

You don’t have to fight every battle. Wise couples know that if they want their marriage to be healthy they can’t make every situation an issue.  They have learned the skill of choosing what matters most and so when they decide to speak up it actually matters.

  1. Happy couples understand that the relationship should be mutually beneficial

Marriage is not, or at least should not, be one sided.  Love, support, encouragement, commitment…should be given and received by each person.  Happy couples know that there must be give and take in order for the relationship to grow.  Each person should intentionally invest in fulfilling the other person’s emotional and relational needs.

  1. Happy couples are serious about their TEAM and don’t allow outside players to interfere

If you have a brother or sister, I am sure at some point you’ve said “I can mess with them, but you can’t!”  That is the mindset of happily married couple.  While they might have an issue with their spouse, they don’t take too kindly when someone else does.  They know that they are a team and that they are headed towards victory together! They are not open to those outside of the team interfering with their relationship! If there is a problem, they deal with it behind closed doors and then come out to face the issue together as a united front!

  1. Happy couples are not afraid to give each other space (physical, emotional and even spiritual space).

No one wants to be suffocated and happy couples understand that while they are “one”, they are at the same time two individuals. That’s the miracle of marriage! Happy couples understand that it is okay to take a break from being constantly in each other’s space.  They also know that sometimes they need a moment to sort through their emotions and seek God’s wisdom alone.  Because mutual respect and trust has been demonstrated, happy couples are not intimidated by a moment away from one another.

  1. Happy couples intentionally have fun and engage in one another’s interest

Marriage should be fun and happy couples intentionally seek out fun with one another! While they might not have all of the same interests, they look for ways to engage in what their spouse enjoys.  They are open to learning new skills, attending games or even doing something neither has ever tried.  They make it a point to laugh together because they know it helps to strengthen their bond!

  1. Happy couples pay attention to what is pleasing to their spouse

Does your spouse like it when you wear your hair curly? Does your spouse like when you wear nice suits? Happy couples pay attention to things that matter to their spouse.  Happy couples want to make sure their spouse finds them appealing and attractive so they make sure they are attentive to what matters to their significant other.

  1. Happy couples yield to one another’s strengths and they fill –in for one another’s weaknesses

While each person should come to marriage as a complete person, all of us have strengths and weaknesses.  Happy couples don’t hold their spouses weakness against them, but instead they help to fill in for them in the area where they need support. In the same spirit, happy couples also notice their spouse’s natural gifts and strengths and are willing to yield to their spouse in that area.

  1. Happy couples are honest with themselves which makes it easier to be honest with each other

Happy couples are not immune to the same challenges other couples face. The difference is that spouses in a relatively happy marriage understand the importance of self-awareness.  They are honest with themselves about their shortcomings and areas of growth and therefore when it’s time to deal with tough issues it is easier for them to be honest with their spouse. Happy couples know that honesty is one of the necessities for a successful marriage.

  1. Happy couples know the importance of picking your battles

There will always be something that you can disagree about. There will always be opportunities for conflict. But happy couples understand the importance of picking your battles. They have mastered letting the insignificant issues go so that when more serious challenges arise they can fully focus on a positive resolution.

 

  1. Happy couples are open to influence from one another

Happy couples understand that if their marriage is going to be successful they must consider their spouse as their most valued resource.  They understand that leaning on their spouse’s intuition, guidance and advice is wise.  The relationship is not one sided with either person attempting to control or dictate to the other.  Each person is open to receiving input from the other and they are even willing to make suggested improvements if necessary!

 

 

 

Married and Lonely?

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By Robin May

Several years ago, “Psychology Today” reported that 62% of married people reported being lonely even though they lived with their spouse. I can imagine that percentage being a surprise to many but it actually does not come as a surprise to me. Like others who frequently work with couples, we know that marriage does not automatically equal companionship.

For those that can’t imagine the idea of loneliness in marriage, imagine that you are extremely thirsty and you know water is the only thing that will quench your thirst. Right in front of you is a water fountain but for some reason you cannot get to it in order to get a drink. You can see the water fountain…you know it has what you need, but you can’t get to it. Can you imagine how frustrating that would be? That’s how many feel right within their own marriage. Their spouse is right in front of them and they know their spouse can help quench their ‘thirst’, but for some reason the connection isn’t happening.  I love how the “Psychology Today” article described this issue. They said “…we lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid.”  Now , while I don’t believe the answer has to be leaving the marriage, I don’t believe in suffering in silence forever.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. When someone is lonely they often feel excluded from someone’s life and they feel someone isn’t connected to their life. Loneliness in marriage is often a silent killer. It happens gradually and often has deeply permeated the marriage before either party addresses the issue.

Now let me normalize this for some of you. A season of loneliness in your marriage should not come as a surprise. We all go through difficulty as we face day-to-day life circumstances. So if there is a short period where you feel disconnected in your marriage don’t be alarmed. Of course you should address the issue, but be careful not to assume your marriage is doomed for failure. The concern is when your marriage faces a perpetual season where you are isolated and disconnected from your spouse and neither of you are making an effort to reconnect.

Also, it is important to note that just because you are feeling lonely does not necessarily mean the issue is with your marriage. Remember self-awareness is a critical component to a healthy relationship. You need to know when the issue is something within you. Maybe you are suffering from depression, your own unrealistic expectations of marriage, grief or challenges with adjusting to a major change in your life. Yes, your spouse should support you, but if these are the things triggering your loneliness, be aware so that you don’t place unnecessary blame on your relationship.

Loneliness in marriage often begins with one or both spouses feeling isolated from the other. A few indicators that you are experiencing isolation in your marriage may include:

  • You have no problem connecting with others but can’t seem to connect with your spouse
  • You want to share how you feel with your spouse but you are hesitant too
  • You feel a sense of sadness within your marriage
  • You are clueless about the day to day of your spouse’s life
  • You’ve learned to “keep the peace” and not deal with the “tough stuff”

Loneliness in marriage can often be described as the perfect storm. A combination of many factors, over time, can lead to the disconnect. Maybe you are both consumed with your careers; Maybe one person is focused on the kids and the other on church responsibilities; Maybe you have stopped ‘majoring’ in one another (you don’t know what your spouse does or doesn’t like; what he or she is interested in or not); You or your spouse doesn’t feel valued or understood. Again, slowly these factors begin to lead to a disconnect from the person we’ve committed too for life.

If any of this sounds familiar, I am sure you are thinking “okay okay! I get it! This is us. Now what?”. If you have found that you and your spouse have disconnected or are headed on that path, follow this simple THREE STEP plan! As you read these suggestions, try not to minimize their significance. When you’ve been in a tough place for a while, you can often become cynical. Keep your heart open…if you’ve tried these steps before, try them again. If your first thought is “my spouse isn’t going to respond to any of this”, do them anyway! If you are a person of faith, give God something to work with!

Step One: ACKNOWLEDGE IT!

Imagine that your tire has a slow leak. The longer you drive on that tire, the longer you put yourself (and all those riding with you) in danger! That is the same thing with isolation. Because it can happen gradually, it is a slow leak and can be ignored or every once in a while patched up. But eventually the “fix” won’t last and you are putting the marriage in danger. And with any change that we desire, it starts with admitting that there is a problem! First, you must admit to yourself that there is an issue. Don’t sugarcoat or down play it. Face the facts of what you are dealing with and take time to process what you believe is contributing to your feelings. It may help to get professional help to effectively sort through what you are feeling.

Step Two: ADDRESS IT!

Now that you have admitted that there is an issue, it may be time to address it with your spouse. But, if you are the person feeling disconnected, remember how you address it is critical. Your primary goal in addressing the issue is to ensure that you do not accuse your spouse but to express that you simply want to deal with what you are feeling. Your tone will either create an environment conducive for change or cause a greater rift. Take responsibility for how you may have contributed to this season of your marriage (“I know that I have been consumed with my job, and I apologize for that. Our marriage is important to me and I want to be connected to you”.). This step isn’t easy but your marriage is worth it!

Step Three: ACT ON IT!

It’s now time for you to DO something! If you are feeling disconnected from your spouse, do something consistently that will allow you to engage in his/her life. For some couples, it can be as simple as going shopping with your wife or buying tickets to the game for you and your husband. Taking the initiative to even ask your spouse out on a date may be a powerful step towards reconnection. YES…initially it will feel awkward. But as you continue to intentionally engage with your partner the more comfortable it will feel.

For others, the issue may be more extensive and you may need professional support to help you reconnect. And yes, even if your spouse refuses to go to counseling, you still should make it a priority. Counsel is vital to a healthy marriage. Remember, “Pride causes arguments, but those who listen to others are wise.” (Proverbs 13:10).

Understand that your marriage will stay just as it is until you decide to do something different. Commit to making an effort today. ACKNOWLEDGE! ADDRESS! ACT!

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Interested in assessing the strengths and areas of growth for your marriage? Consider investing in the “CRA”: A customized relationship assessment. Click HERE for more information!