THE CURIOSITY PROMPT

A simple way to express what you’re really feeling (without starting an argument).

Most couples don’t struggle because they’ve fallen out of love. They struggle because they can’t clearly express what’s happening inside of them, especially during emotional moments.

When feelings get tangled, conversations spiral, misunderstandings grow, and both partners end up feeling unheard or overwhelmed.

This simple exercise will help you learn how to pause, identify what is happening and start the path towards healing.

 

STEP 1 — Name the REAL Emotion Underneath the Moment

Now, this is the start of even improving your own emotional intelligence. Being able to NAME what you feel is critical.

Choose the ONE emotion that best fits what you’re experiencing right now:

  • Hurt
  • Overwhelmed
  • Disappointed
  • Unseen
  • Afraid
  • Disconnected

Most arguments begin because one or both partners are trying to communicate these feelings, but it gets lost behind defensiveness, aggression or shutdown.

BONUS: Depending on the intensity of the moment, you could also ask your spouse to name what they are feeling as well.  Remember, the goal is to be CURIOUS about what is happening beneath the surface.

 

STEP 2 — Use This Sentence to Share It Clearly

Say this aloud, or send it as a message if you need space:

👉 “What I’m really trying to say is that I feel (INSERT THE FEELING WORD FROM ABOVE)  and I’m having a hard time putting it into words.”

The goal of this step is to remove blame, reduce defensiveness, and it can help your spouse focus on your heart, not your tone.

 

STEP 3 — Use This 10-Second Reset if the Conversation Starts Spiraling

I have found that this can keep the conversation from spiraling:

“Can we pause for a second? I want to understand you, not argue with you.”

Or you can try: “Your experience in this really matters to me. Can I repeat back to you what I heard you say?”

You’re telling your spouse: We’re on the same team and you matter to me!

 

STEP 4 — Share One Simple Need to Reconnect

Clarity becomes connection when you express what you actually need.  Now this means you have to have clarity about what you need first! But below are some examples.

Try one of these:

  • “I need a moment to gather my thoughts.”
  • “I know this is a lot but I need to know we are on the same team”.
  • “I need us to try to hear each other clearly before we respond”.

Small sentences like these can start to create emotional safety and safety is the foundation of healthy communication.

 

 You’re Not Alone

Every couple goes through seasons of emotional fog.
You’re taking a powerful step toward understanding and that is a big step towards a healthy marriage!

 

 

⚠️ Brief Disclaimer

This resource is for educational and relational support only. It is not therapy, counseling, or a substitute for professional mental health services.