Rev. Larraine Forrester is co-founder of A Relationship Ministry (ARM).   Along with her husband Rev. Larraine has for over 12 years counseled couples either helping the engaged to establish a strong foundation for their union or the married to enhance their relationships. Rev. Larraine also works as a Wife Coach and shares wisdom gained during the past 28 plus years of marriage and Seminary.  You can learn more about the Forrester’s by visiting: www.arelationshipministry.webs.com

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SEPARATION, SABBATICAL OR STAY THE COURSE

When communication turns to conflict, love turns to loathing, respect turns to resentment.

Marriage can be one of the most fulfilling relationships a person can have in life.   In a marriage a couple has opportunity to increase their own value by sharing with, caring for, giving and receiving true love.

However, as with all aspects of life, marriage has ups and downs.  Those who remain married for any amount of time can attest to the fact that marriage can be challenging.  When a couple decides to become one, the process is similar to merging two households.  Some things can stay but some things will have to be thrown out.  Couples will find that even when they have discussed and planned, there will still be many matters, scenarios or possibilities that weren’t considered. People change or perhaps they realize their visions of marriage are drastically different.  Inevitably communication turns to conflict, love turns to loathing, respect turns to resentment and on and on.

When a couple reaches a point where they seem to disagree in too many areas and are not willing to compromise it’s necessary to make some changes.  The question often becomes “Is divorce the answer?”   The “D” word is mentioned quite a bit in marriages as each individual contemplates whether they would be better off single than to remain in a marriage that isn’t fulfilling, but instead failing.

Before one makes the decision to divorce and disregard the commitments made to one another, couples often consider either Separation, Sabbatical.

Separation is usually done with little to no rules with the exception that the couple will change their living arrangements usually one moving out of the home.  The idea is that “time heals all wounds”.   Some separated couples choose to continue living together but in separate bedrooms with no real communication or togetherness.  During a period of separation one or both may decide to see other people.  Unfortunately many separations result in further distance between the two.

A Marriage Sabbatical can be successful as couples determine all the rules before separating.  Each person’s goal is to re-unite in the near future. Before taking a Marriage Sabbatical, Cheryl Jarvis, author of The Marriage Sabbatical, encourages preparation which includes the consideration of:

1. The Wait – Be sure not to leave suddenly.  “Slow change can be the best kind of change.”

2. The Logistics – Consider and plan how the household will be maintained and sustained.  Consider childcare, errands, routine house maintenance, financial obligations etc.

3.  Load Lessening – Try to lighten the load for your spouse: make list, leave detailed written instructions, important contact information etc.

4.  Goal Setting – Determine what you two want to accomplish during the Sabbatical…. Self-help concerns, learning to communicate effectively and taking time to determine one’s own desires.

5. Leave Taking – Try to make leave a smooth process.  Be sure to talk to children and others who will be affected that this is a temporary arrangement.  Try to make the leaving process as smooth as possible.

During a Sabbatical it’s very important that the couple communicates often and that each are accessible.

The third option for couples in crisis is to Stay The Course.  With this option the couple decides to stay together and actively work on themselves and their marriage.  When a couple decides to Stay The Course they both commit to doing the work necessary to make personal changes and changes in the marriage.  In this option the couple benefits from the help of a third party who is experienced and trained in marriage counseling, this person could be a Licensed Psychologist and/or a Spiritual Advisor.   This person should not be a friend nor family member of either.

To Stay The Course requires accountability and that positive progress can be noted.  Each day the couple will make it their goal to implement habits and routines that will foster a true friendship and a sincere love for one another.  As long as there is positive progress and commitment by both the husband and wife, the couple can expect a fulfilling marriage.

Chajay Wise is an amazing woman who is passionate about helping women embrace their role as a mom and wife with integrity and creativity.  She is the mother to 4 beautiful children and is married to her college sweetheart, Darius. The couple has been married 10 years.

What Price Will You Pay? by Chajay Wise 

I am the epitomy of a bargain shopper. I do not believe in paying full price for anything, especially kids clothing. In my opinion kids grow too fast to spend lots of money on items they will out grow in the blink of an eye. But my husband on the other hand, loves to purchase quality items that he believes will last a life time! So when I purchase cheap jeans for our boys I often find myself frustrated two weeks later thinking in my mind, “you get what you pay for”, as I try to patch up knee holes from boisterous boys. If only I had paid the higher price for the jeans with the more durable material, I could have saved myself time, frustration, and money in the end.

In many ways, the same is true for marriage. If you desire a strong marriage, it will come at a higher price. Great marriages don’t just happen; they are a product of two people who are willing to pay the price to invest their best! Darius and I have specific shared goals for our lives, marriage, and family. We have learned over the years that in order for our goals to be achieved, we must intentionally maintain non-negotiable priorities. One of our goals is to grow old together, while traveling the world and watching our grand kids mature. But if we don’t make a habit of connecting daily, busy schedules have a way of leading us in two separate directions.

As married couples we have two choices. We can cover up a broken marriage to look good and pay a high price of disappointment, pain, and heartbreak. Or, we can pay a high price of doing whatever it takes to build a healthy thriving marriage. Either way we will have to pay a price.

By God’s grace we have a beautiful marriage, but trust me, it came at a high price. We had to kill selfishness, set boundaries, heal from past hurts, disappointments from people, and trust God. And now, because of the price we were willing to pay first, we are experiencing deeper love, commitment, incredible happiness, and constant support for one another!

So I ask you……What price are you willing to pay for the marriage you want?

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(Interested in writing for “I Believe in Marriage”? Email us! contact@ibelieveinmarriage.com)

Chajay Wise is an amazing woman who is passionate about helping women embrace their role as a mom and wife with integrity and creativity.  She is the mother to 4 beautiful children and is married to her college sweetheart, Darius. The couple has been married 10 years.

Why Do You Believe In Marriage? by Chajay Wise

Marriage, the union of one man and one woman, I’ve been told could be the closes thing to heaven or hell on earth:)!  And being married for 10 years, I can truly say that I agree with that statement (we’ve had much more heaven than hell, for sure:)! Marriage can be a beautiful thing when both parties agree to make it the best experience for the other and that’s the reason… “Why I Believe In Marriage”.

Today couples choose to get married for so many different reasons. Some to be happy, and others to not be lonely, but there are many benefits to being married. In fact, there are 1,138 benefits, rights and protections provided on the basis of marital status in Federal law alone.

Here are some of my favorites not associated with the law! 🙂

Marriage & Health

• On average, husbands and wives are healthier, happier and enjoy longer lives than those who are not married.

• Men appear to reap the most physical health benefits from marriage and suffer the greatest health consequences if they divorce.

• Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting mothers, probably because they are more likely to receive practical and emotional support from their child’s father and his family.

Marriage & Wealth

• Married couples build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.

• Marriage offers men the kind of stability and support that allows him to succeed in all aspects of life.

• Married women are economically better off than divorced, cohabiting or never-married women.

Marriage & Children

Children raised by their own married mother and father are:

• More likely to stay in school, have fewer behavioral and attendance problems, and earn four-year college degrees

• Less vulnerable to serious emotional illness, depression and suicide

• More likely to have positive attitudes towards marriage and greater success in forming lasting marriages

Marriage and Society

• The institution of marriage reliably creates the social, economic and affective conditions for effective parenting.

• Being married changes people’s lifestyles and habits in ways that are personally and socially beneficial. Marriage makes you a better person.

• Marriage generates social capital. The social bonds created through marriage yield benefits not only for the family but for others as well, including the larger society.

So there you have it! Marriage is more than paperwork. It is a long-term investment in one person, building deep abiding love, with amazing benefits, that should last for a life time (Can I get an Amen;). Alright, I want to hear from you… Why Do You Believe In Marriage?? I would love to hear some of the benefits you experience in your marriage…

Sources: Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences (Institute for American Values); Healthy Marriages, Healthy Lives: Research on the Alignment of Health, Marital Outcomes and Marriage Education (California Healthy Marriages Coalition); Testimony of Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, National Marriage Project, before the U.S. Senate Subcommittee on Children. This article was adapted from foryourmarriage.org

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(Remember this is not written by anyone associated with IBIM…and the comments at the end of the article are not connected with the article).